Mum in hospital again

[Sunnypad]

Hi all
So, fourth blackout and fall in about two years

No cause found, I'm okay with that as I think it's her age.

I think it might be time for a care home, at least for respite.

I'm knackered. Been dealing with this since 7am Sunday. Burst into tears in front of the doctor who wanted her to go home. I don't even know how she'd get in a cab.

Just posting for hugs really.

[ReformedCharacter]

Hi all

Just posting for hugs really.

Have one from me.

RC

[Sunnypad]

Thanks
I should go to bed really!

[AJC5001]

Hi all
So, fourth blackout and fall in about two years

No cause found, I'm okay with that as I think it's her age.

My MIL (no longer with us) used to suffer "falls". Having actually witnessed an episode of this, we concluded that it was a result of a UTI which the NHS (GP and A&E) seemed incapable of curing with any of the antibiotics they prescribed.

Has a UTI been considered?

Adrian

[Sunnypad]

Hi Adrian
Yes, all clear

In fact, the doctors were saying to me what good health her tests show her to be in.

They are puzzled, me less so, as her elder siblings began their decline the same way.

I was not prepared for how awful I feel. For some reason, I thought it would be less awful than it was with dad, because dad was ill, I had to deal with mum as well as him.

I suppose this time, it's more guilt. It never occurred to me to be dad's carer, we didn't get on well enough for that. But mum is different. I thought when the time came, I'd be okay to do it.

[servodude]

Hi Adrian
Yes, all clear

In fact, the doctors were saying to me what good health her tests show her to be in.

They are puzzled, me less so, as her elder siblings began their decline the same way.

I was not prepared for how awful I feel. For some reason, I thought it would be less awful than it was with dad, because dad was ill, I had to deal with mum as well as him.

I suppose this time, it's more guilt. It never occurred to me to be dad's carer, we didn't get on well enough for that. But mum is different. I thought when the time came, I'd be okay to do it.

I can recommend trying the respite route if you can.

My MIL swore blind she'd never consider a care home - until she was in one for a few of weeks after a fall (that turned out to be due to a stroke) and had a great time.

She started making plans to move in full time shortly after recuperating well enough to go home.

[kiloran]

......

I can recommend trying the respite route if you can.

My MIL swore blind she'd never consider a care home - until she was in one for a few of weeks after a fall (that turned out to be due to a stroke) and had a great time.

She started making plans to move in full time shortly after recuperating well enough to go home.

I can second that. My MiL was also very against a care home, but was continually in hospital with chest infections. The hospital social worker put her into a respite unit at a local care home to help her recovery for a couple of weeks, and she absolutely loved it. Two weeks stretched to 4, then 6, then a permanent room became available and she jumped at the chance. She spent 3 years there, the staff were simply brilliant, MiL was totally happy and the family knew she was being well cared for.

--kiloran

[Gerry557]

Yes it's always difficult and one big guilt trip. Whatever you do seems to be wrong.

You are not alone.

It might not help much but you can have an ehug!

[Sunnypad]

Thanks everyone
Update - they hadn't thought to do a brain scan because she's fully compos mentis
But they did it and say there's evidence she's several small strokes

Anyone got experience of this?

Thanks

[servodude]

Thanks everyone
Update - they hadn't thought to do a brain scan because she's fully compos mentis
But they did it and say there's evidence she's several small strokes

Anyone got experience of this?

Thanks

Yes, it's frightening but can normally be managed.

There are a few medications that can help which will reduce the chance of another "mini-stroke" (or TIA?) happening.
So if the first one tried causes side effects let the doctor know so you can try another - asprin every day will normally be the first thing to start

Now this has been identified the really difficult thing might be convincing her not to just sit there and wait for "the next one" to happen as with treatment it hopefully won't. Rather it would be good to help her be aware of the symptoms at onset (numbing/vision going/dizziness etc) and know to sit down and inform someone if she notices them.
Try and spin the diagnosis as a positive "it's better to know so you can start to do something about it" and encourage her to be as active as she can - which I appreciate is much easier said than done

The risk is that otherwise anxiety/stress and lack of exercise can lead to a reduction in general health and make the situation worse.
I saw this happen to my father-in-law - his first TIA was over a year after a major stroke but he had been waiting for it since he had been released from the hospital.

Good luck and don't forget to look after yourself

-sd

[AJC5001]

Thanks everyone
Update - they hadn't thought to do a brain scan because she's fully compos mentis
But they did it and say there's evidence she's several small strokes

Anyone got experience of this?

Thanks

Has she got a Care Alarm service set up?
e.g. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/

Adrian

[Sunnypad]

Thanks all
She's got medication but it's very similar to what she's been on for a while
Trying to transfer her to respite care, it was hellish yesterday. We're paying but there are still a million hoops to jump through. :

Argh.

What we really want is to persuade her to stay there. But we are talking as if we want her to go home.

So tired. I lost it a bit yesterday as a nurse was telling me it's a blessing to look after elderly parents.

[servodude]

Thanks all
She's got medication but it's very similar to what she's been on for a while
Trying to transfer her to respite care, it was hellish yesterday. We're paying but there are still a million hoops to jump through. :

Argh.

What we really want is to persuade her to stay there. But we are talking as if we want her to go home.

So tired. I lost it a bit yesterday as a nurse was telling me it's a blessing to look after elderly parents.

There's nothing worse than those you care about being sick - it can easily be overwhelming
- try to believe that the folk that are winding you up in the moment actually are trying to help
- but if it helps you to "lose it" - go and lose it!

You'll be better placed to help your mum if you make sure you don't neglect yourself
- if that means venting here... Go for it!

-sd

[kiloran]

Thanks all
She's got medication but it's very similar to what she's been on for a while
Trying to transfer her to respite care, it was hellish yesterday. We're paying but there are still a million hoops to jump through. :

Argh.

What we really want is to persuade her to stay there. But we are talking as if we want her to go home.

So tired. I lost it a bit yesterday as a nurse was telling me it's a blessing to look after elderly parents.

You might also get your local Adult Social Care service involved. They visit my mum every year, or after mum has been in hospital, to assess her needs and advise on the various possibilities. They produce an extremely detailed report. I'm sure they could offer some real practical advice for you and your mum, since they have masses of real-life experience in these matters.

--kiloran

[Sunnypad]

Mum in care home now
Discharge note says i live with her

I think they do that on purpose so they can say she isn't alone

Have to try to fix that. Hospital don't seem to know if she has been allocated a social worker

Passing the task of finding out to my sister. Sister has reverted back to being a bit useless.

Re the trying to help, it's astonishing to me that a nurse on the geriatric ward, where three patients had no visitors - i brought stuff in for them - would say that. Apparently they do have children but I can imagine they lost the will to deal with it ages ago.

I thought it would be easier than when dad was ill but I guess I am such a different person post lockdown. Plus I wondered at the time, did I use all my patience on him and now there's none left?!

[pje16]

I think they do that on purpose so they can say she isn't alone
Have to try to fix that. Hospital don't seem to know if she has been allocated a social worker

Yes, they are just being, quite rightly, ultra cautious
I had to be put under last month (albeit in for 7 or 8 minutes) and they were insistent that some stayed with me at home overnight
In reality, I was fine as soon as I came round
My late mum was allocated a social worker, we met her in hospital, and she sounded as if she was interested, she talked a good game, BUT
we never saw her again after that

[Sunnypad]

I think they do that on purpose so they can say she isn't alone
Have to try to fix that. Hospital don't seem to know if she has been allocated a social worker

Yes, they are just being, quite rightly, ultra cautious
I had to be put under last month (albeit in for 7 or 8 minutes) and they were insistent that some stayed with me at home overnight
In reality, I was fine as soon as I came round
My late mum was allocated a social worker, we met her in hospital, and she sounded as if she was interested, she talked a good game, BUT
we never saw her again after that

It's less safe to write that because she lives alone. It's just a way to get her off the list.

[stevensfo]

I think they do that on purpose so they can say she isn't alone
Have to try to fix that. Hospital don't seem to know if she has been allocated a social worker

Yes, they are just being, quite rightly, ultra cautious
I had to be put under last month (albeit in for 7 or 8 minutes) and they were insistent that some stayed with me at home overnight
In reality, I was fine as soon as I came round
My late mum was allocated a social worker, we met her in hospital, and she sounded as if she was interested, she talked a good game, BUT
we never saw her again after that

Sadly, I think this is standard practice.

When our youngest started school, he had loads of learning difficulties and a nice teacher put us at our ease by stating that she was trained in SEN, had experience and we shouldn't worry. Naturally, that was the last we heard of it!! I still remember getting into trouble with the headmistress for daring to correct a teacher's spelling!! Apparently it was 'insulting'. It was only when he changed school and I did loads of home-schooling with him, that he made progress.

My mum had the same experience when my dad was dying. All the doctors were enthusiastic about the support he'd receive, but nothing materialised. It was a local Macmillan nurse who finally provided help.

When I re-registered at our village surgery, a nurse was worried about my blood pressure and made me sit still for a while. Loads of questions and a calendar for further checks. I was to be 'followed' and had to measure my BP. A few weeks later and she'd left. Blank looks from everyone.

Steve

[Sunnypad]

Yes, I agree it's standard practice.

I went back to my own home today. Mum's friend went to visit and told mum that she can't go home without a stairlift being fitted.

I am hoping this will lead to extension of respite care and then, from my perspective, i'd much prefer she was to stay in the home. I know the world is full of people navigating big houses on zimmer frames but the home seems so good, lots of staff etc. it is of course very expensive but live in carers would be expensive too. And in the home, there's a whole bunch of people to call on.

I don't think her bed is safe for her at home. It's not that easy to change because she will say nothing suits.

I think I feel a bit less stressed this evening. It's been a very long week.

[Sunnypad]

Argh
I can only say this here
Parents
Good grief. Just why?!