The Lemon Fool

I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent....

Kind regards

Leo

I can certainly relate to that. You may be being a little unkind to yourself by thinking of it as self-pity when much of what you describe sounds like conscience and regret for those things that you have done. That suggests that you are a decent and self-aware person who cares about the effects of your own actions on yourself and other people, not everyone does. The best we can do is to learn from our mistakes and try to avoid making them in the future, we can't undo the past much as we would sometimes like to.

RC

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

It's not unusual and I don't think it's self pity.

I think it's a feature of how our brains are wired
- things that have a certain degree of sensation/emotion attached get etched more strongly in our memory, living more vividly and close to the surface in our recall
it's what stopped your ancestors going too close to their second mammoth
Circumstances will trigger them
- don't worry about it
- it's just you telling you what you think you need to hear

-sd

Now and then, yes. It's mostly the stupid and embarrassing stuff that makes me want to curl up and whimper, even though the events might have happened thirty or forty years ago. I put it down to having been brought up in post-war style, where importance was attached to being always polite and considerate to people - not to say, downright self-effacing.

When I went self-employed in the 1980s, I quickly discovered that being self-effacing was not a great recipe for success, and I had to re-educate myself pretty damn fast. The stupid screw-ups and embarrassments still happened sometimes, but the solution, for me, was to really hate myself for five minutes and then get over it. After all, there were plenty of people out there who seemed to get along fine without ever experiencing any embarrassment at all. Some of them became used car salesmen - the rest seem to have gone into politics.

Being embarrassed is one of the ways we hold ourselves to account and keep our personal standards up. It's not such a bad attribute really.

BJ

Yeah - I do the same. When I've said or done daft things....
Yesterday a dleivery driver shot past and I suddenly found myself reliving when I foolishly signed for a parcel he'd put on the step, only to lift it and find the bottom was mising from the box and the PC inside was missing memory nad hard drive. Of course by then I'd signed, so he shot off. I think the manufacturer replaced the bits in the end, but the fury at myself and the helplessness flooded back.

It probably happened about 1997.

Paul

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

I am 74 and have exactly the same experience as you. Things I did and said 50-odd years ago keep coming back to me. I try to atone for past thoughtless things I have done by being as kind as I can now.

Maybe the religious among us do not have this problem, they can confess their sins and believe that they are forgiven.

malkymoo wrote:Maybe the religious among us do not have this problem, they can confess their sins and believe that they are forgiven.

That's something I've thought about. I wonder if the process of vocalising \ admitting one's 'sins' to another 'disinterested' person is in itself psychologically therapeutic, regardless of religion and 'forgiveness'.

RC

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

Afraid so. And made just a little more difficult by my undiagnosed condition which symtpoms were personality changes and unsocial behaviours which everyone decided were choices. A huge cross to bear at times. And I range from bitterness that it took so long to get a diagnosis and the treatment I needed, to anger at those, and there were many of them, who stereo-typed my behaviour and instead of helping decided to sit in judgement, to feelings of shame.

Anyway's I'm back on my feet, for now, albeit I hope I can see my remaining years out in some peace and quiet.

May I make a small observation please. I have no wish to offend. I noticed you mentioned your age. As we age some of our brain chemicals do start to wax and wane. What you're feeling may be a symptom of this. It's quite natural. You may have symptoms associated with clinical depression. I can't say you have. I'd certainly suggest you have a natter with your GP just as a matter of prudence.

Take care

AiY(D)

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

There are plrenty of things I have done, which on reflection make me cringe. However, there are other things which I have done which make me cringe for slightly different reasons.

For example: When I was in my early 20s, I was walking to the pub on a dark night after a hard day's work when I saw a couple of thugs laying into what I thought was a defenceless animal. I shouted at them and made my way in their direction. Unbelievably, a handicapped young man emerged from the kicking and ran off. I was shocked, and I think that was the point at which I realised the danger I had put myself in. Fortunately the thugs ran off, rather than laying in to me. I still cringe at the thought of what may have happened to me, but it didn't - and for all those other things I cringe at for other reasons, hopefully, they also didn't have adverse consequences.

Bminusrob wrote:I saw a couple of thugs laying into what I thought was a defenceless animal. I shouted at them and made my way in their direction. Unbelievably, a handicapped young man emerged from the kicking and ran off. I was shocked, and I think that was the point at which I realised the danger I had put myself in. Fortunately the thugs ran off, rather than laying in to me. I still cringe at the thought of what may have happened to me, but it didn't - and for all those other things I cringe at for other reasons, hopefully, they also didn't have adverse consequences.

Oh god, I had the same experience! Except that it was broad daylight in a shopping street, and the victim was a very small old man. I didn't really think about what I might be getting into until they all rounded on me and started "arguing me up", ready for a battering. I can thank my lucky stars that a nearby shopkeeper, who obviously knew them, came out and yelled at them and they all cleared off.

The old guy was shaken up, but we gathered that they'd done this to him before. I don't think I'd have done anything different, on reflection, but it could have gone badly for me because I wasn't exactly a spring chicken myself. Oh well, I suppose I'd have had something to tell the reception desk at the pearly gates.

BJ

Leothebear wrote:I'm 71 yet, when in a certain mood, just about every thoughtless, cruel or just plain stupid thing I've done, is still clear and bright in my mind. So much so that I physically shudder sometimes. I struggle to combat this by trying to remember the good stuff.

Perhaps a better way is to realise this is a form of self pity and to stop being so self-indulgent. I have friend's with far more serious and immediate problems.

I suppose I'm posting here to discover if other Fools have a similar frame of mind.

Kind regards

Leo

Yes! Some things come back to haunt me all the time. Not just silly, embarrassing things but wrong decisions taken and the 'what if' thoughts.

Then memories that make me cringe for other reasons. The time our 3-year old son saw my wife on the other side of a main road, pulled his hand out of mine and ran across. Time stood still and I just froze with terror. He was very, very lucky but I still feel cold from the memory.

Steve

Well I don't think showing total disregard for your own safety to help another is something I'd feel cringy about.

As for AinY's suggestion that I maybe clinically depressed had very recently occurred to me. If I am, then I have been for a long time.

This may not come as a surprise to a lot of people .

I have taken anti-depressants in the past and found that they simply deadened feelings at both ends of the scale. So I don't think the GP's for me. I think I need to get more active and more fresh air and excercise.

Anyway many thanks for all your contributions.
Leo

Leothebear wrote: I need to get more active and more fresh air and excercise.
Leo

Give that a whirl
I find fresh air perks me up
good luck

This may or may not help but no harm trying.

It is the NLP fast phobia cure but it may be applicable to the type of situation that you remember that make you cringe. Takes little time and effort to do.

https://nlpsure.com/nlp-fast-phobia-cure/

John