Why did you need to get married?

[Howyoudoin]

This question comes to mind every time I hear of a footballer or Hollywood superstar playing away.

Why did you marry in the first place? You have women/men throwing themselves at you every day, why tie yourself down to one person?

I was just reading on the Times website that Robert De Niro is working 6 days a week just to pay off his ex-wife. Which would explain the fact that he now stars in crap comedies that pay a lot.

If the ultimate answer to the subject question is that you want stability and children, why do so many Parents let their kids down by having affairs and divorcing?

HYD

[88V8]

Because what one wants at one stage in life isn't always what one wants later.
Because the person one married isn't the person one imagined they were.
For men, love comes in through the eyes and it can go out the same way... and some women get old.
Because kids aren't for everyone even if one thought otherwise.
Because money and good sense don't always go together.
Drink drugs illness.
Parental pressure.
Temptation.

Will that do to be going on with.....

V8 (46 years married, little thanks to me)

[kempiejon]

We talked about it tidying up the inheritance, will and local gov pension. Still don't think it's for us. Perhaps they'll leave me or vv. and it saves the divorce cost.

[bungeejumper]

As above. With the added proviso that you won't properly know the person who you've married until you're several years in, by which time the chemical love-rush will have abated a bit and all will become clearer. For those of us who have been lucky enough to get it right - in my case, at the second attempt - love is straightforward even if it isn't completely without bumps in the road. For some people, it's still better to stay with the unexpectedly flawed person who they married; and for others again, the very idea of breaking the marriage vows would rule it out from the start. But for quite a few, temptation starts to beckon.

Try thinking of the problem in hormonal terms. Nature designed us humans to physically bond like hell for just enough to start a few pregnancies - shall we call it seven years? - after which, for some, the infamous itch kicks in. By that stage, if all is well, we are moving into a more mature phase in which trust and familiarity and other stuff (such as a shared sense of humour and temperament) will sustain the relationship for many decades. (Married or not.) And although there's plenty of space for passion, it isn't the emotional bedrock of absolutely everything any more.

So people reach that slightly calmer phase, and the realisation dawns (for some) that the fit is not right after all, but unfortunately they're not dead from the waist down yet. And, in the words of Ernie the Milkman, "a woman's needs are manifold", and it all rolls on from there. I know a vicar who strayed while tending his flock, and who stood down from the ministry in penitence. (His wife forgave him, almost. ) "It's that Same Thing that makes a preacher lay his bible down." (Muddy Waters) Ain't nothing new under the sun.

Tough on the kids, though. As you've said.

BJ

[UncleEbenezer]

Why did you marry in the first place?

It was her dad with the shotgun.

(on a more serious note, tax breaks seem like a good reason for those who stand to benefit)

[dionaeamuscipula]

This question comes to mind every time I hear of a footballer or Hollywood superstar playing away.

Why did you marry in the first place? You have women/men throwing themselves at you every day, why tie yourself down to one person?

I was just reading on the Times website that Robert De Niro is working 6 days a week just to pay off his ex-wife. Which would explain the fact that he now stars in crap comedies that pay a lot.

If the ultimate answer to the subject question is that you want stability and children, why do so many Parents let their kids down by having affairs and divorcing?

HYD

Footballers and Hollywood stars are sold the same dreams of true and everlasting love as the rest of us.

Fortunately, perhaps, the rest of us* aren't young, beautiful, rich, away from home a lot, AND have women/men throwing themselves at you every day. In the face of such opportunity and temptation, it is not surprising that many succumb.

DM

*obviously, me excepted.

[mrbrightside]

To sell the rights to 'Hello' magazine.

[brightncheerful]

"Why did you need to get married?" (my embolden)

Needing to get married is I would think either because sex before marriage resulted in an unplanned pregnancy and doing the decent thing - (excuse the contradiction in terms) - or because promotion prospects would be curtailed otherwise (a military rank issue, so I'm told) or for citizenship, or for status and respectability.

As for 'why did you want to get married?" When presumably you had a choice?
Something to do in the evenings after work, and/or at weekends. Practising commitment - ie, going beyond the point at which you would normally quit.

Love? aka the art of enabling another person or persons to bring out the worst and/or best in you. ("…and if I show you my dark side, will you still love me. Or will you sell my story to Rolling Stone…".)

I've been married twice. To put it another way, I was advised to always introduce my wife as my first wife so as to keep her on her toes. Wife 1 lasted about 3 years, albeit we'd been friends for about 5 years before, before I realised that at the time marriage wasn't for me. i still keep in telephone contact with her: conversation from where we left off over 40 years ago. She tells me that of all the people she's known for a long time, i am the only one who hasn't changed. When I mentioned that to Mrs Bnc, she (Mrs Bnc) said that wouldn't deter from trying. Mrs Bnc has so far lasted longer than any of my previous relationships and if I say so myself then is amongst the more famous spouses on Fool that no one has met, yet probably feels quite sorry for.

[richlist]

Why did you need to get married ?

Approaching the question from the opposite direction.......
Someone I know decided that their other half was far wealthier than they were every likely to be. So, marriage provided a very comfortable lifestyle, no need to work for a living and whatever happened in the future and without any mention of prenuptial contracts from either party they were pretty much set for life.

[Lootman]

And, in the words of Ernie the Milkman, "a woman's needs are manifold"

I believe it was actually "a woman's needs are many fold" although when it comes to taking romantic advice from Mr Hill, you never really know for sure.

Try thinking of the problem in hormonal terms. Nature designed us humans to physically bond like hell for just enough to start a few pregnancies - shall we call it seven years? - after which, for some, the infamous itch kicks in. By that stage, if all is well, we are moving into a more mature phase in which trust and familiarity and other stuff (such as a shared sense of humour and temperament) will sustain the relationship for many decades. (Married or not.) And although there's plenty of space for passion, it isn't the emotional bedrock of absolutely everything any more.

Back in my student days I recall reading (I think it was Schopenhauer) a joined-up theory along these lines.

Basically it asserted that the qualities you need from a partner for the purpose of procreation are quite distinct from the qualities you need from a partner for the purpose of recreation. So when young you (subconsciously) look for a partner who has complementary qualities and skills so that, for child-rearing purposes, you have everything covered. But then when the kids leave home, you seek someone who is more compatible as a companion, which is a very different kettle of fish.

And there does seem to be a blip of divorces in the 50-60 age group, as couples struggle with a childless union again.

Not that I claim any real expertise here, although my missus hasn't run off with the milkman (yet).

[nimnarb]

Well all I can say is that after 47 years of marriage I am not sure how anyone else could have put up with me. She is a stronger and better person than me in every way.
The secret is making up as soon as possible and not letting things fester. Two is always(well mostly) better than one.

That doesn’t still stop me from looking at a glorious pair of.........and wondering

in my dreams....

[stewamax]

Why did you marry in the first place?

OK HYD - why did YOU get married ?

[AleisterCrowley]

No idea!
Never been married and no kids.
The closest I got was my last 'long term' girlfriend. I was waiting until I felt more finacially secure and 'mature'.
She got tired of waiting and left, and got married a year or so later. And then divorced a few years after that...
If you find the right person I'm sure it's great - someone to look out for you - and look out for. Companionship, friendship, mutal respect through thick and thin.
I've been feeling the isolation during these lockdowns and have often wished I were in a stable relationship - but... being stuck with someone you're going off rapidly would probably be worse

I need my own place, and a cat. And pub at least twice a week with my friends.

[richlist]

I always thought most people got what they deserved.......or is that being to cruel & simplistic ?

[AleisterCrowley]

No, you may be right Richlist. I'm probably too 'individualistic' (aka selfish ?!) to thrive in a long term relationship.
Perhaps it was meant to be.

[swill453]

One of the major reasons I have is to be the next-of-kin. Without a marriage certificate* one has no automatic right to be consulted on matters of health/death etc. of the partner.

* - or civil partnership or power of attorney.

Scott.

[Lootman]

One of the major reasons I have is to be the next-of-kin. Without a marriage certificate* one has no automatic right to be consulted on matters of health/death etc. of the partner.

* - or civil partnership or power of attorney.

True. As you note, spousal rights and powers can largely be replicated using legal documents and mechanisms. But it is all a bit of a hassle.

And there are some significant tax and immigration benefits to being married.

A lifelong friend of mine, and longtime cynic about marriage, is finally tying the knot later this year, age 70. As he put it to me: "it seems about the right age to commit". They have been together for over 40 years and have children in their thirties. His son will be the best man. I believe this to be mainly a matter of clean housekeeping. I doubt that divorce is a risk at this point, nor infidelity, frankly.

[brightncheerful]

Whether personal or in business it's the same principle. A relationship is a means by which two or more people help one another to achieve a shared objective.

When I first met Ms Bnc and we talked about getting married (well not at first) I asked her to tell me what she wanted to achieve and I would likewise. Having defined our terms, it then became a matter of doing and maintaining through thick and thin.

Something i do find challenging is that Mrs Bnc and I have different sense of humour. I didn't realise that for quite some time. Fortunately whenever we are in company and others laugh at my humour that has enabled Mrs Bnc to accept that even if she doesn't find what I am saying is funny others do. Were it not for the support I get from the outside world I would have to be much more careful in conversation.

For example Mrs Bnc is prone to thinking everything is her fault so often I have to tell her it most certainly isn't - but having said that…

[Lootman]

Something i do find challenging is that Mrs Bnc and I have different sense of humour. I didn't realise that for quite some time. Fortunately whenever we are in company and others laugh at my humour that has enabled Mrs Bnc to accept that even if she doesn't find what I am saying is funny others do. Were it not for the support I get from the outside world I would have to be much more careful in conversation.

Does your wife feign a polite laugh at your jokes, to keep up appearances?

Or is it obvious to others that she doesn't really like your witty remarks?

[brightncheerful]

Something i do find challenging is that Mrs Bnc and I have different sense of humour. I didn't realise that for quite some time. Fortunately whenever we are in company and others laugh at my humour that has enabled Mrs Bnc to accept that even if she doesn't find what I am saying is funny others do. Were it not for the support I get from the outside world I would have to be much more careful in conversation.

Does your wife feign a polite laugh at your jokes, to keep up appearances?

Or is it obvious to others that she doesn't really like your witty remarks?

Most days, I tell her "this morning's joke is" and sometimes she'll laugh. i regard that as a sign I can tell the joke to others. Years ago, I thought it would fun to compile a few pages of jokes I'd found funny and send them to friends for Christmas. Mrs Bnc insisted she approve them before sending: a few did not meet with approval and were deleted.

I don't think it's obvious to others that she doesn't really like my witty remarks so much as not understanding why something I've said is funny. I think that if it were simply a matter of like or dislike then she would at least have understood.

Generally, she'll ignore me and carry on with whatever else she is doing.