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Old Dads

A virtual pub for off topic, light hearted pub related banter and discussion. No trainers
Howyoudoin
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Old Dads

#473895

Postby Howyoudoin » January 17th, 2022, 7:56 pm

I have no idea where to ask this but I will start with my my ‘safe place’ which is the Snug.

Where do I go for advice about becoming a Dad?

HYD

dealtn
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Re: Old Dads

#473896

Postby dealtn » January 17th, 2022, 7:59 pm

Howyoudoin wrote:I have no idea where to ask this but I will start with my my ‘safe place’ which is the Snug.

Where do I go for advice about becoming a Dad?

HYD


Somewhere with access to women?

AsleepInYorkshire
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Re: Old Dads

#473899

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » January 17th, 2022, 8:01 pm

Howyoudoin wrote:I have no idea where to ask this but I will start with my my ‘safe place’ which is the Snug.

Where do I go for advice about becoming a Dad?

HYD

Can you put this in a little more context please?

AiY(D)

mc2fool
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Re: Old Dads

#473909

Postby mc2fool » January 17th, 2022, 8:41 pm

Howyoudoin wrote:I have no idea where to ask this but I will start with my my ‘safe place’ which is the Snug.

Where do I go for advice about becoming a Dad?

HYD

This looks like a good basic starter. :D

UncleEbenezer
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Re: Old Dads

#473913

Postby UncleEbenezer » January 17th, 2022, 9:02 pm

A woman wanting a sprog can go to a sperm bank.

In the interest of equality, I demand equally-easy access to a womb bank!

Oh, and it'll help with that "pay gap" if us chaps have that earnings-negative life choice that women have.
Last edited by UncleEbenezer on January 17th, 2022, 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Beerpig
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Re: Old Dads

#473916

Postby Beerpig » January 17th, 2022, 9:04 pm

Hi HYD

I'm inferring that you are either on the way to becoming a father (pregnant partner) or thinking about going down that path and are concerned or a little anxious about becoming a father at a mature age. Or is a friend doing so?
Can you say more?
Interesting thread.
Cheers

Howyoudoin
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Re: Old Dads

#473933

Postby Howyoudoin » January 17th, 2022, 10:02 pm

Beerpig wrote:Hi HYD

I'm inferring that you are either on the way to becoming a father (pregnant partner) or thinking about going down that path and are concerned or a little anxious about becoming a father at a mature age. Or is a friend doing so?
Can you say more?
Interesting thread.
Cheers


First sensible response, thanks BP, I knew that I could rely on you.

Yes to all of the above and it’s me, at the age of 52.

I’ll do a long post soon but the short version is that we have spent a heck of a lot of money (about £25k) trying to get pregnant and at the very last attempt before we ran out of money, it seems to have worked.

Still very very early days, 8 weeks. And given the age of my wife, 44, nothing is taken for granted. But exciting times for me and the Mrs.

HYD

Urbandreamer
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Re: Old Dads

#473937

Postby Urbandreamer » January 17th, 2022, 10:13 pm

Others have made the obvious jokes.

Ok, so about becoming a Dad, or possibly a Mum. Relax! You will get lot's of advice, most of it well meaning. Much will disagree with other advice that you will get.

Calmly sit and think about what you think is important. How you were brought up and what you feel now was right or wrong. Take your time. After all you've got years to put things into practice.

Now stop a minute and consider that few are in this on their own. The other party is going through this too. It's likely that they will have different opinions than you.

You will both need to feel your way to what you can agree upon.

Some examples.

I strongly supported my wife against the thugs absolutely set upon her breast feeding, despite the fact that I felt it might be beneficial. I never argued the case to her.
She allowed me to "dump" our children in a field with strangers for two weeks at the age of 9, despite her concerns.
I tried to teach my kids how to tie their shoe laces and how to pick locks. Neither a useful skill in the days of Velcro. I tried to teach them how to cook, when they needed a stool to chop veg, yes I did give them a sharp knife and supervised. I also risked life and limb with driving practice, though I paid for lessons as I didn't want them learning my bad habits.

In the early days, it's about cleaning bottoms and either watching like a hawk (my preference) or living in a environment lacking in things that must be prohibited. NO you can't drink the bleach. NO you can't stick that up your nose. By the way it is worth buying an ENT kit to extract things from noses and ears.

Eventually they grow big enough to reach the medicine and old enough to need it each month (and pads). We restocked when told it needed it.

My wife agreed with me on the household environment.

The latter two I introduced to investing my way. I'm very happy that they disagree, as both do it their own way. The eldest unfortunately didn't get the option because of timing. We put funds aside, but both accepted that we/I could not be responsible for losses. Hence big name unit trusts in a bare trust rather than a JISA, which didn't exist at the time.

Things for us worked out as good as can be expected.
The kid's grew up to be well rounded individuals able to cope with life. As far as we can tell being fed on formula did them no lasting harm and being sent proper camping at a young age seems to have granted them an early degree of both self sufficiency and self reliance.

One of my daughters describes camp sites with toilet blocks as Wussy camping. Digging the latrine is all part of camping and isn't the river/stream good enough to wash in?

Ps

I see now that you mean that you are to be a "old" dad. I was, though not as old with my first. My wife was an older Mum. I have two abiding memories of children and age. The first is being mistaken for the father or stepfather of my younger brothers. The second is of being mistaken for the grandfather of our oldest child. But that's other people and to be ignored.

Most of the above is general stuff, I'll try and think if I can shed light on being a older parent.

AleisterCrowley
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Re: Old Dads

#473940

Postby AleisterCrowley » January 17th, 2022, 10:18 pm

Good luck !
Of my close friends with children ...
One is 54 with a 13 yo, and one is 55 with an 8 yo - both first and only children, so neither were spring chickens when they became fathers
I think they are both ~ 10 years older than their partners
And their kids are marvellous, both turning out really well!! I think the maturity and stability of 'older' parents can be a good thing (nothing against early starters of course..)

I'm 56 so I think that door has finally slammed shut - although friend with 8 yo points out Charlie Chaplin was still knocking 'em out in his 70s

nimnarb
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Re: Old Dads

#473943

Postby nimnarb » January 17th, 2022, 10:23 pm


AsleepInYorkshire
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Re: Old Dads

#473956

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » January 17th, 2022, 11:13 pm

Howyoudoin wrote:
Beerpig wrote:Hi HYD

I'm inferring that you are either on the way to becoming a father (pregnant partner) or thinking about going down that path and are concerned or a little anxious about becoming a father at a mature age. Or is a friend doing so?
Can you say more?
Interesting thread.
Cheers


First sensible response, thanks BP, I knew that I could rely on you.

Yes to all of the above and it’s me, at the age of 52.

I’ll do a long post soon but the short version is that we have spent a heck of a lot of money (about £25k) trying to get pregnant and at the very last attempt before we ran out of money, it seems to have worked.

Still very very early days, 8 weeks. And given the age of my wife, 44, nothing is taken for granted. But exciting times for me and the Mrs.

HYD

I was 45 when our first and only daughter arrived. She arrived on my 45th birthday. I'm 60 this year. I absolutely refuse to offer you any advice. Not my place. I've learned one thing about being a parent is I have had to work hard to learn the skills needed and I've sometimes failed. I've always tried to stay ahead of the "curve" and think of where I need to be as our daughter has grown. I've taught her to have good manners, to respect others feelings, to be kind, to accept responsibility for her education, to compete with no one except herself, to be thankful for what we have, to look after her finances, to look after her pets, to cook, wash, iron, bake, clean, relax, have hobbies, keep her untidiness to her room only, to have good friends and enjoy time with them, to share, to embrace everything about her life.

And every night she goes to bed and says goodnight. I say goodnight and tell her "I love you".

If I've been able to parent my daughter well she will pass it down to her children. And with some luck I may be around to witness that.

Congratulations

AiY(D)

scotia
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Re: Old Dads

#473961

Postby scotia » January 18th, 2022, 12:02 am

Howyoudoin wrote:
Beerpig wrote:Hi HYD

I'm inferring that you are either on the way to becoming a father (pregnant partner) or thinking about going down that path and are concerned or a little anxious about becoming a father at a mature age. Or is a friend doing so?
Can you say more?
Interesting thread.
Cheers


First sensible response, thanks BP, I knew that I could rely on you.

Yes to all of the above and it’s me, at the age of 52.

I’ll do a long post soon but the short version is that we have spent a heck of a lot of money (about £25k) trying to get pregnant and at the very last attempt before we ran out of money, it seems to have worked.

Still very very early days, 8 weeks. And given the age of my wife, 44, nothing is taken for granted. But exciting times for me and the Mrs.

HYD

There are trials and tribulations for all future parents of all ages - but its worth it. My daughter and husband almost matched your ages before they had their first child. Thinking back to almost 50 years ago, my wife was classed as an elderly mum in her late twenties. But times have changed, and later births are now much more common. So I wouldn't worry too much about your ages - but you will probably suffer the same problems of all new parents - you will be much too anxious, and overprotective. However, if you survive, you may be able to look forward to grandchildren - lots of fun, and not the same responsibilities :)

scotia
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Re: Old Dads

#473964

Postby scotia » January 18th, 2022, 12:05 am

AleisterCrowley wrote:Good luck !
Of my close friends with children ...
One is 54 with a 13 yo, and one is 55 with an 8 yo - both first and only children, so neither were spring chickens when they became fathers
I think they are both ~ 10 years older than their partners
And their kids are marvellous, both turning out really well!! I think the maturity and stability of 'older' parents can be a good thing (nothing against early starters of course..)

I'm 56 so I think that door has finally slammed shut - although friend with 8 yo points out Charlie Chaplin was still knocking 'em out in his 70s

And Boris is 57 :)

TUK020
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Re: Old Dads

#474000

Postby TUK020 » January 18th, 2022, 9:13 am

Urbandreamer wrote:Others have made the obvious jokes.

Ok, so about becoming a Dad, or possibly a Mum. Relax! You will get lot's of advice, most of it well meaning. Much will disagree with other advice that you will get.

Calmly sit and think about what you think is important. How you were brought up and what you feel now was right or wrong. Take your time. After all you've got years to put things into practice.

Now stop a minute and consider that few are in this on their own. The other party is going through this too. It's likely that they will have different opinions than you.

You will both need to feel your way to what you can agree upon.

Some examples.

I strongly supported my wife against the thugs absolutely set upon her breast feeding, despite the fact that I felt it might be beneficial. I never argued the case to her.
She allowed me to "dump" our children in a field with strangers for two weeks at the age of 9, despite her concerns.
I tried to teach my kids how to tie their shoe laces and how to pick locks. Neither a useful skill in the days of Velcro. I tried to teach them how to cook, when they needed a stool to chop veg, yes I did give them a sharp knife and supervised. I also risked life and limb with driving practice, though I paid for lessons as I didn't want them learning my bad habits.

In the early days, it's about cleaning bottoms and either watching like a hawk (my preference) or living in a environment lacking in things that must be prohibited. NO you can't drink the bleach. NO you can't stick that up your nose. By the way it is worth buying an ENT kit to extract things from noses and ears.

Eventually they grow big enough to reach the medicine and old enough to need it each month (and pads). We restocked when told it needed it.

My wife agreed with me on the household environment.

The latter two I introduced to investing my way. I'm very happy that they disagree, as both do it their own way. The eldest unfortunately didn't get the option because of timing. We put funds aside, but both accepted that we/I could not be responsible for losses. Hence big name unit trusts in a bare trust rather than a JISA, which didn't exist at the time.

Things for us worked out as good as can be expected.
The kid's grew up to be well rounded individuals able to cope with life. As far as we can tell being fed on formula did them no lasting harm and being sent proper camping at a young age seems to have granted them an early degree of both self sufficiency and self reliance.

One of my daughters describes camp sites with toilet blocks as Wussy camping. Digging the latrine is all part of camping and isn't the river/stream good enough to wash in?

Ps

I see now that you mean that you are to be a "old" dad. I was, though not as old with my first. My wife was an older Mum. I have two abiding memories of children and age. The first is being mistaken for the father or stepfather of my younger brothers. The second is of being mistaken for the grandfather of our oldest child. But that's other people and to be ignored.

Most of the above is general stuff, I'll try and think if I can shed light on being a older parent.


Agree with wot he said.

2 important things:
Let them know you love them
Take time along the scary journey to enjoy the present, and not just worry about the challenges

brightncheerful
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Re: Old Dads

#474005

Postby brightncheerful » January 18th, 2022, 9:35 am

As a non-parent myself, it is all very simple.

The child is not yours: the child is his or her own individual person or nowadays whichever gender 'it' chooses to be. Consequently, the child's way is the child's way. How much or how far the child's way synchronises with your way depends upon how much you each/both have in common.

Some parents are lucky /fortunate with the synchronisation: others less so; and many despair. Do not despair: your task is to contribute, not to impose. Your task/talk is to help the child develop and grow up to be and do whatever the child aspires to do. It is not to help the child grow up to be and do what you want 'it' to be and do. That approach is asking for trouble and leads to despair.

Every child is gifted but most children are talked out of being themselves and doing what is true for them so end up unhappy from having to compromise.
In the early stages, the tangible form of the gift may not be apparent or obvious to you. but help it through nurturing, encouragement, by being supportive and approving. In time it will gradually shine through. In the end you will have a child whom you can be proud of.

Relationship is reciprocal. Growth and development have layers of understanding. Avoid filling any gaps in the levels of understanding with hot air by always being honest and truthful. You help the child, the child helps you. In some way and at some level of understanding.

Allow the child to help you and you too will agree that life is designed to be simple, but we complicate it by the way we think.

A child that is helped to develop true to form will love you more than you will ever know.

Enjoy the experience. :D

pje16
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Re: Old Dads

#474009

Postby pje16 » January 18th, 2022, 9:46 am

Howyoudoin wrote:Yes to all of the above and it’s me, at the age of 52.
HYD

Who knew....
it has it's own domain name
https://fathersafter50.com/

bluedonkey
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Re: Old Dads

#474011

Postby bluedonkey » January 18th, 2022, 9:50 am

Dad myself. Sorry to be a bit of a downer but I think your age will be a factor. Of course I don't know you but I would have found it more physically demanding being a new dad in my 50s, and then dealing with a teenager in my 60s.

Best wishes.

88V8
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Re: Old Dads

#474017

Postby 88V8 » January 18th, 2022, 10:05 am

As soon as possible, introduce her/him/them to adult food. Age two upwards....?
Teach them to eat well and wisely so they won't get fat.
Allow no dietary fads.

Being fat is life limiting in terms of love and employment, and health destroying.

Good luck on your journey.

V8

BigB
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Re: Old Dads

#474023

Postby BigB » January 18th, 2022, 10:25 am

Brilliant and exciting news, congratulations HYD!

stewamax
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Re: Old Dads

#474048

Postby stewamax » January 18th, 2022, 11:29 am

Protect them from the bad hazards; let them experience the minor ones.
Love them; be tactile.

And when HYD's child is a bit older, he may find that the finest lasting pleasure in life is imaginative play, or even the simplest things: build a sandcastle or snowman; walk through autumnal woods leaf-kicking; wander the fields or park before summer sunrise, watch the mist rise and come home to a hot breakfast.
(I am not a townie, but there will be urban equivalents.)


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