Would you compliment a stranger?

[Lootman]

The replies so far appear to assume that compliments relate to appearance.

Because I think that is the interesting case. If someone is painting a scene and you know something about art and can make a affirmative comment about that art, then there is little risk to that. It is when you comment on physical appearance or personal demeanour that it gets a little more risky.

I'll get compliments about my gold or sparkling shoes. On one occasion a young women noticed I had exactly the same brand of sparkly silver trainers on which caused some hilarity - I'd been caught out, because they came from the ladies shoe department. Well, men's shoes can be so boring, so I poke around the ladies trainers for something more interesting.

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. (Someone told me one shouldn't say that any more but it was my thought given that nearly all my clothes are black).

More generally I think giving compliments (to women, anyway) can be a minefield so I would restrict myself to where all these are true:

1) I have something original or authentic to say, to avoid the risk of being perceived as sucking up or, worse, chatting up.

2) It's not anything obvious but rather something subtle and unusual that maybe many people would not notice.

3) It is in an open, public space where either party can naturally move on.

[bluedonkey]

I'll regularly and happily talk to strangers (even on public transport - if they ever allow that again).
But personal remarks (beyond the level of where are you heading for? or business or pleasure?) are off the menu.

It's maybe not as big a leap as you might imagine though...
Next time, maybe just try 'Where are you heading for with a shirt like that on?'

Cheers,
Itsallaguess

"Are you wearing it for a bet?"

[Arborbridge]

I'll regularly and happily talk to strangers (even on public transport - if they ever allow that again). But personal remarks (beyond the level of where are you heading for? or business or pleasure?) are off the menu.

If that happened, I'd be a bit suspicious about said interrogator's motives. Those are indeed personal questions. Where are you going and why? One does not expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Arb.

[Arborbridge]

More generally I think giving compliments (to women, anyway) can be a minefield so I would restrict myself to where all these are true:

1) I have something original or authentic to say, to avoid the risk of being perceived as sucking up or, worse, chatting up.

2) It's not anything obvious but rather something subtle and unusual that maybe many people would not notice.

3) It is in an open, public space where either party can naturally move on.

1) I'm too old to be perceived in that way.

2) Excellent

3) Sounds an interesting, but semi-random comments in public spaces sound a bit dodgy!


And you mentioned black clothing. I didn't realise until a year or two back that I avoid black quite often, until a nephew checking from his flat window said he realised it was me walking along the street because I was the only one in a bright colour.


Arb.

[Maroochydore]

Last time I was on an airplane a stewardess brought me a drink and gave me a little silver foil pouch.

The pouch suddenly spoke to me, it said "that's a very nice shirt you're wearing".

I then noticed on the pouch it said "Complimentary Nuts".

[Exit stage left]

[simsqu]

End of incident. It was only afterwards that I realised she could have taken the comment "looking very fit" as an unwelcome sexist remark, rather than a mere observation. I think the bashed panama hat, slight stoop, and dodgy hip stagger probably helped.

And the fact that you weren't masturbating at the time.

Well observed Leo. Although you are correct in the strictest sense, I was in fact performing an overt penile display in the hope that the young lady would present me with her engorged hindquarters.

When it became apparent that this was not to be, I doffed my panama, flung my faeces at her, made my excuses and left.

[Mike4]

Your feminine optimism vs my cynicism is almost an example of my point about the difference between the sexes. And if someone complimented my shirt, my natural reaction would be somewhere between cynicism ("what's (s)he after?") and embarrassment ("now I don't know what idiot. Now I'm the village idiot.

This leads on to a whole nother aspect compliments - accepting them. Accepting a compliment gracefully is the mirror skill of giving one.

Sometimes people find their instinctive reaction is to deny the compliment and say things like "oh this old shirt, its nothing special, I've had it for ages", which leaves the complimenter feeling rejected and a bit deflated. Far better, especially if you cant think of anything to say or don't want to engage in conversation, is a big smile and a simple "Thank you!!!" and get on with whatever you were doing.

[brightncheerful]

A consequence of my early morning arrival at Waitrose, I have become acquainted with a stranger, a single mum and dog walker. Conversation started with my asking if she had a different colour car according to season ( I had observed her and dog getting out of different colour car the week before.) Now, almost every week around the same time when she arrives we chat for 5 minutes or so before she goes for her walk and sometimes for a few minutes when she returns and I have finished my shopping. it is all very pleasant.

Partly my confidence in asking direct questions but mainly I suspect in her ability to answer them - I now know a lot about her. Last week's dialogued was focussed on how she could extricate from a blind date where the man she would be meeting had invited her to his home for their first meeting. I suggested a first meeting would be easier (possibly) safer too) in a neutral public place. Then as she thought about where, I suggested Switzerland.

Having taken a photo of her car (distinctive numberplate) and printed it on A4 photo-paper, I am looking forward to giving her the photo at our next encounter. It is all very civilised and above board - and in case you are wondering I have told Mrs Bnc all about it.

[bungeejumper]

Having taken a photo of her car (distinctive numberplate) and printed it on A4 photo-paper, I am looking forward to giving her the photo at our next encounter. It is all very civilised and above board - and in case you are wondering I have told Mrs Bnc all about it.

Are you sure that's a good idea, BnC? You might know what you're trying to achieve, but to others it might look like the thin edge of stalking.

By the way, forgive the question, but what were you trying to achieve?

BJ

[Itsallaguess]

I had observed her and the dog getting out of a different colour car the week before.

My money's on two dogs next week..

Cheers,

Itsallaguess

[Watis]

A consequence of my early morning arrival at Waitrose, I have become acquainted with a stranger, a single mum and dog walker. Conversation started with my asking if she had a different colour car according to season ( I had observed her and dog getting out of different colour car the week before.) Now, almost every week around the same time when she arrives we chat for 5 minutes or so before she goes for her walk and sometimes for a few minutes when she returns and I have finished my shopping. it is all very pleasant.

Partly my confidence in asking direct questions but mainly I suspect in her ability to answer them - I now know a lot about her. Last week's dialogued was focussed on how she could extricate from a blind date where the man she would be meeting had invited her to his home for their first meeting. I suggested a first meeting would be easier (possibly) safer too) in a neutral public place. Then as she thought about where, I suggested Switzerland.

Having taken a photo of her car (distinctive numberplate) and printed it on A4 photo-paper, I am looking forward to giving her the photo at our next encounter. It is all very civilised and above board - and in case you are wondering I have told Mrs Bnc all about it.

As BnC appears to have built up a rapport with the single mum, and as he arrives before her, stalking wasn't something that occurred to me as a possible interpretation of BnC's actions. And as the single mum has opened up to the extent of discussing a forthcoming date, she would seem to be comfortable with this situation.

I'm not in the dating market myself, but if I were, I would expect any potential partner to take precautions when meeting me (or anyone else) on a first date. As a minimum, those are that the meeting should be in a public space, and for the lady to bring a companion.

Watis

[stewamax]

This leads on to a whole nother aspect compliments - accepting them. Accepting a compliment gracefully is the mirror skill of giving one. Sometimes people find their instinctive reaction is to deny the compliment and say things like "oh this old shirt, its nothing special, I've had it for ages", which leaves the complimenter feeling rejected and a bit deflated. Far better, especially if you cant think of anything to say or don't want to engage in conversation, is a big smile and a simple "Thank you!!!" and get on with whatever you were doing.

I wonder how much of this is the traditional British ironic self-deprecation. When I worked in the US, compliments would be accepted without embarrassment:
"Nice car you have"
"Yes, isn't it a beaut. Cost a lot too, but my bonus was big this year".

[Lootman]

This leads on to a whole nother aspect compliments - accepting them. Accepting a compliment gracefully is the mirror skill of giving one. Sometimes people find their instinctive reaction is to deny the compliment and say things like "oh this old shirt, its nothing special, I've had it for ages", which leaves the complimenter feeling rejected and a bit deflated. Far better, especially if you cant think of anything to say or don't want to engage in conversation, is a big smile and a simple "Thank you!!!" and get on with whatever you were doing.

I wonder how much of this is the traditional British ironic self-deprecation. When I worked in the US, compliments would be accepted without embarrassment:
"Nice car you have"
"Yes, isn't it a beaut. Cost a lot too, but my bonus was big this year".

Yes, when I was first head-hunted for a US contract, I was told by the recruitment agent that I needed to be "coached" on how to handle a US job interview. The main thing I recall now was how self-deprecation doesn't work in the US (*) and that you have to forget all your reservations about bigging yourself up.

He was right. I felt a tad arrogant about doing it but it worked where a more modest and self-conscious approach would not have done. Faint heart never landed anyone a well-paid US contract.

(*) An exception is if you want to make an American laugh. Self-deprecation is so unusual there that when someone does it it appears to lead to spontaneous uncontrollable laughter.

[brightncheerful]

You might know what you're trying to achieve, but to others it might look like the thin edge of stalking.

She was standing next to me and the car when I took the photo!



.

[brightncheerful]

"Nice car you have"
"Yes, isn't it a beaut. Cost a lot too, but my bonus was big this year".

imv, the correct response should be:

"Nice car you have"
"Thank you. Yes, isn't it a beaut. Cost a lot too, but my bonus was big this year".

---

In my philosophy. a compliment is an acknowledgement (by another person or persons) of one's projection of self-expression. Anything anyone says to me, no matter how critical their intent, I take as a compliment. The impact of 'negative' criticism can be easily diffused simply by saying 'thank you'.

'Thank you' acknowledges receipt of what the other person is telling you or trying to tell you. Since the object of communication is to get the point across in a way that the other person(s) can understand, to thank them is akin to saying message received.

Without my philosophy or something similar. people generally are more likely to take offence (self-defence) through being more reactionary than responsive. Communication should be honest and to be honest it should flow in a straightforward manner. Manipulation, ie, getting what you want in roundabout way. can cause relationships to falter. Dishonest communication is a cause of ructions.

With practice, the use and timing of compliments becomes second-nature and in the process avoids the creation of or removes any lingering friction in the conversation.

[UncleEbenezer]

In my philosophy. a compliment is an acknowledgement (by another person or persons) of one's projection of self-expression.

Do you write for Private Eye's Pseud's Corner?

With practice, the use and timing of compliments becomes second-nature and in the process avoids the creation of or removes any lingering friction in the conversation.

But once you're in conversation, the person has started to move away from being a "stranger", so you're in another thread.