Donate to Remove ads

Got a credit card? use our Credit Card & Finance Calculators

Thanks to johnstevens77,Bhoddhisatva,scotia,Anonymous,Cornytiv34, for Donating to support the site

Chin out ... chin up

A friendly ear
AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Half
Posts: 7383
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 10514 times
Been thanked: 4659 times

Chin out ... chin up

#459446

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » November 19th, 2021, 11:46 pm

The last two weeks have been difficult. Not just for me, but my close family.

Our family is divided into three groups. The locals, those who live 35 minutes away, and those who live in Australia.

Mum continues to decline. I have found myself at odds with all of those who provide for her care. When we were told that Mum's cancer was terminal and the prognosis was 3-12 weeks I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Perhaps that was a good place to start.

We are now in week 9 of Mum's prognosis and for the most it seems to be a reasonably accurate assessment. She is declining and whilst that's to be expected what I wasn't prepared for was the brutality that I was about to be exposed to. After her initial prognosis we moved Mum home. It was her wish to go home.

She was at home for roughly two weeks when she fell and had to return to hospital.

She was discharged from hospital into a care home as carers could not be arranged to look after her at home. I've sent two complaints to the home to date and they continue to respond with appeasement, deflection and twaddle. Ironically Mum is in the most expensive care home in our town.

I've been swamped with forms to complete. Contracts to sign to underwrite the Care Home (don't worry I'm not daft enough to sign it) calls to take from different budget managers for Mum's funding costs and issues with Mum's care within the home.

I have one sibling who has resided in Australia for 33 years and has only really contacted Mum when she needed money. As per Mum's express wishes I've invoked my power of attorney and informed that when she returns to the UK to visit Mum she is not to reside at or visit Mum's home.

I'm trying to support Mum. Most of Mum has now already departed. I've had to complain in writing to her care home to get Mum's GP to attend. Her steroid medication has been increased and she now has anti-biotic eye drops for her left eye. I've visited her today and she has been in some pain. I've asked Mum's new care manager to monitor this. Mum's previous care manager left the business the day after I sent my written complaint. She was on a months notice. And it was evident to me and my good lady that she wasn't listening to a word we said during her notice period.

It's been an eye opener. It's been tough. The entire process isn't slick, refined or fit for purpose.

Mum's life is coming to an end. This week I received a pm from another Fool. It wasn't expected. But it was kind and it lifted my spirits.

My Mum brought me into this world. I can, at the very least, see her out. I've had to take on an avalanche of procedure, bullshit, job creation, salary protection, general ineptitude and a plethora or shyte that has been beyond anything I could have imagined.

I've stuck my chin out and I am feeling the pain of the incoming blows. But my chin is also up. I'm trying to remain focused upon my Mum's needs and her comfort. The rest is none of my business. I don't have time to join in with the games that have been established around the passing of my/our terminally ill Mum.

Thanks for listening

AiY

sg31
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1543
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:35 am
Has thanked: 925 times
Been thanked: 708 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459499

Postby sg31 » November 20th, 2021, 10:04 am

You seem to be holding it together admirably in the circumstances. It's always a difficult time and you are coping better than most. Your Mum is lucky to have you at her bedside. I'm sure she appreciates your care and kindness.

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459806

Postby Sunnypad » November 21st, 2021, 12:04 pm

"She is declining and whilst that's to be expected what I wasn't prepared for was the brutality that I was about to be exposed to"

Same here. I know how hard this is.

If you feel in any way that a song might tip you over the edge, don't listen to this one....but I derived some odd comfort and/or catharsis at my father's bedside, listening to "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie. This song is hard. I won't link it. Anyone reading this, really think about whether you want to hear it.

He was mostly unconscious or in pain the last few weeks of his life, and the cruelty of it seemed unbearable to me. I firmly believe some of it was his refusal to go.

A less odd choice of comfort - the poem Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. One day I didn't go to the hospital. I remembered the words "you do not have to be good".

http://www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/ar ... geese.html

My local vicar was very helpful. I was very polite but when I said "I feel this will never end" he knew exactly what I meant and based on his hospice bedside experience, told me very firmly that it would...and he thought it would be soon. It was about 36 hours from then.

You and your mother will make it out of the woods.

On a practical note, I had to tell them to give a syringe driver for sedatives and painkillers. Also I had to give instructions for mouth care as I could tell dry mouth was adding to his discomfort. They inexplicably wanted to pretend he wasn't dying, so hopefully you won't have those issues as your mum is officially on end of life.

The wrongness of it all made me very angry but you have to shake it off. Apologies for the Taylor Swift references!

staffordian
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 2298
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 4:20 pm
Has thanked: 1887 times
Been thanked: 869 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459812

Postby staffordian » November 21st, 2021, 12:23 pm

Just a thought, AiY.

Would a hospice rather than a care home be possible?

One or two I know cannot praise hospices enough for the love and care they showed their relatives.

monabri
Lemon Half
Posts: 8396
Joined: January 7th, 2017, 9:56 am
Has thanked: 1539 times
Been thanked: 3427 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459813

Postby monabri » November 21st, 2021, 12:34 pm

A hospice would be a million times better than a hospital. If you think that this might be a consideration, see her doctor to get their support.

I've been through this with my mum. I'm a single child but had some back up from an uncle. I couldn't have managed with my mum at home.

The hospital had filthy floors, staff who were totally disorganised and they lost mum's medical notes twice and resorted to asking ME what medicines my mum was on! ( asked by a giggly male nurse).

AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Half
Posts: 7383
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 10514 times
Been thanked: 4659 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459815

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » November 21st, 2021, 12:39 pm

staffordian wrote:Just a thought, AiY.

Would a hospice rather than a care home be possible?

One or two I know cannot praise hospices enough for the love and care they showed their relatives.

I think with the benefit of hindsight it's highly probable that a hospice would, yes. However, Mum couldn't cope with being moved now. She's too frail and very confused.

When Mum was discharged from the hospital for the second time the physiotherapist said she needed two carers to lift her as she had lost mobility in her legs. Continuing Care couldn't organise one, so two was out of the question. She was moved to a care home very quickly. I was more of a passenger at that time. I've not been through this before now and was, perhaps, somewhat naïve accordingly.

Mum was very tired yesterday and slept through most of the day. She's a little more awake today but a little agitated as she can see people who aren't physically in the room, such as my daughter, and when she asks them a question and they don't answer she doesn't understand why and she keeps saying everyone is ignoring her.

Thank you for your kind advice, it is warmly appreciated.

AiY

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#459820

Postby Sunnypad » November 21st, 2021, 12:54 pm

Shame re hospice

I wanted dad moved there three weeks before it was done

When he finally went to the hospice, he was pretty much unconscious so didn't know he was moved. That said, it was attached to the hospital so they just wheeled the bed.

Does your mum have any meds for the agitation? I know some people are against that but that was the moment when I told the doctors "syringe driver". A nurse tried to report his agitation before I arrived but he was ignored. Very good chap, that nurse.

AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Half
Posts: 7383
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 10514 times
Been thanked: 4659 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#462441

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » December 1st, 2021, 9:03 pm

Mum died peacefully this afternoon

AiY

kiloran
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 4092
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 9:24 am
Has thanked: 3233 times
Been thanked: 2827 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#462442

Postby kiloran » December 1st, 2021, 9:10 pm

AsleepInYorkshire wrote:Mum died peacefully this afternoon

AiY

So sorry to hear that.
At least you will have all the good memories for ever. They will never go away

--kiloran

PhaseThree

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#462443

Postby PhaseThree » December 1st, 2021, 9:16 pm

My condolences on what must have been a very painful time.
You now need to take some time for yourself and come to terms with things. There is no need to rush anything from here on.

Best wishes
P3

servodude
Lemon Half
Posts: 8271
Joined: November 8th, 2016, 5:56 am
Has thanked: 4434 times
Been thanked: 3564 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#462456

Postby servodude » December 1st, 2021, 10:31 pm

AsleepInYorkshire wrote:Mum died peacefully this afternoon

AiY


Sorry to hear that - it's never easy but peacefully is what I'm hoping for when my time comes

We can tell from your posts that she's done a grand job

Give yourself all the space and time you need

Take care
-sd

AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Half
Posts: 7383
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 10514 times
Been thanked: 4659 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#463355

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » December 5th, 2021, 10:22 pm

Thank you all for your kind words.

I've sat quietly since Mum died. I may have had a glass or two of wine. I've started to write a eulogy. I'd like it to be light-hearted and based around Mum's life but not full of details that will bore those who are there. I want to focus on Mum's personality and write a eulogy that interacts with her family and friends. I know it's not going to be easy.

Having read a few websites on this subject I gather there are no real rules for a eulogy. What I'm struggling to understand is the sort of time it should be. I'm aiming at 5-8 minutes. We are going to have a projector showing photographs during the eulogy. The photographs will include friends and family. My favourite is one of Mum, all 5'2" of her, holding a 23lb cod she'd caught deep sea fishing when she was 52. She managed to break a finger landing it and did need a little help from the "lads" to bring it up the last 20'.

I'd welcome any thoughts. Oh and for clarity I will not be reading the eulogy. My good lady is accustomed to speaking in front of audiences and feels she'll hold it together better than I will. She's far better at intonations and getting the right emotion into her words. We realise that's as important as the words.

Thank you

AiY

bungeejumper
Lemon Half
Posts: 8063
Joined: November 8th, 2016, 2:30 pm
Has thanked: 2845 times
Been thanked: 3938 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#463417

Postby bungeejumper » December 6th, 2021, 10:36 am

AsleepInYorkshire wrote:Having read a few websites on this subject I gather there are no real rules for a eulogy. What I'm struggling to understand is the sort of time it should be. I'm aiming at 5-8 minutes.

Have a word with the undertaker, who will know how the crematorium operates (if that's what it is?), and who will almost certainly know the person who'll be conducting the ceremony.

I'm a reasonably experienced public speaker, and I gave eulogies for both my parents. I was told by the crem on both occasions that three or four minutes would be preferred, but I ran it to five or six because I figured that nobody was going to stop me. Dammit, they were going to spend five minutes just queueing to leave the room afterwards! So I figured there was a fair amount of slack in the schedule, and indeed there was. Of course, if this isn't a crem, or if you've booked a double slot, then none of the above will apply.

A few gentle jokes are absolutely in order - I revealed that my mother was not only a demon draughts player, but also a teensy bit of a cheat if she noticed you were looking the other way :lol: - and indeed, they can help to put everybody at their ease. And some of my dad's less successful DIY enterprises also lightened the mood. Much better than another funeral I attended where the speaker's grief was so open that we sat there absolutely frozen to the spot. (Of course, there are occasions for that as well, but this wasn't one of them.)

Top tip, print out your eulogy in twenty point type - it's easier to read if you're feeling a bit wobbly on the day. And staple it together so that you don't risk doing a Boris at the podium.

Good luck!

BJ

gadjet
Lemon Pip
Posts: 76
Joined: November 6th, 2016, 5:45 pm
Has thanked: 2 times
Been thanked: 18 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#463487

Postby gadjet » December 6th, 2021, 1:21 pm

AiY
My condolences on your loss.
You are very lucky to have these ladies in your life.

Chin Up.

Sue

AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Half
Posts: 7383
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 10514 times
Been thanked: 4659 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#465398

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » December 13th, 2021, 7:23 am

gadjet wrote:AiY
My condolences on your loss.
You are very lucky to have these ladies in your life.

Chin Up.

Sue

Thank you.

As Mum's wishes I've made arrangements to have a memorial service for Mum in the spring in the her local church, a Minster. From there we will walk over the road to her local for a small gathering. It's just the wrong time of year to organise this now as "The Minster" is booked up solid. There are other things to take into account too. The weather, Covid and the time of year being some. I wrote this not long ago and it was posted on TLF.

The bell’s a tolling
And it’s for me
I didn’t realise but time’s not free
The end is nigh,
It’s time to die,
For I am dead but do not cry

Rejoice for me, I’ve run my race
The time has come to leave this place
But I’ve not gone, I’m still around
Above your head, beneath the ground
The wind and breeze, the moss covered rocks
Dolphins and gales and birds in their flocks

I cannot leave while you’re still here
I’m in your thoughts, in every tear
I have not left, nor have I gone,
I’m in your breath, I’m in your song,
Remember me with smile and grace
For I am in a better place

When you’re down and feeling low
Think of me and I will show
I’ll stand by you, an eternal dove,
Your ever friend, your ever love
The morning dew the evening glow
Think of me and I will show

Copyright AiY

I'm returning to work today after a little time off to sit and reflect. I've looked at my retirement plan and will try to bring our retirement forward by two years to 2024. I think it's time now.

AiY

Pendrainllwyn
Lemon Slice
Posts: 304
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 9:53 pm
Has thanked: 162 times
Been thanked: 200 times

Re: Chin out ... chin up

#465446

Postby Pendrainllwyn » December 13th, 2021, 11:21 am

“We can tell from your posts that she's done a grand job”

Fully agreed. Very sorry for your loss AIY.

Pendrainllwyn


Return to “Comfort Cafe”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests