Donate to Remove ads

Got a credit card? use our Credit Card & Finance Calculators

Thanks to johnstevens77,Anonymous,MyNameIsUrl,6Tricia,staffordian, for Donating to support the site

Another elderly parent support thread

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 485
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 85 times
Been thanked: 138 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431561

Postby Sunnypad » July 30th, 2021, 6:52 pm

Mike, I have heard that from a few people, I try to manage expectations.

Mark, I'm going to meet people tonight. I think most people meet people? Mum hosted two group lunches at hers the week of 19 July. It's good to see your friends.

It's actually not off topic because it has definitely fed into my feelings. I was never an angry person before lockdown.

I've heard of people whose parents have crazy high expectations of their kids free time.

Poor mum is past the shock stage and now really feeling the loss of her brother. I will be there at the weekend.

Thanks again for listening. Seems a good idea to keep this as a thread for EP chat, what do others think?

Gersemi
Lemon Slice
Posts: 284
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 3:57 pm
Has thanked: 386 times
Been thanked: 118 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431683

Postby Gersemi » July 31st, 2021, 1:51 pm

Sunnypad wrote:
Thanks again for listening. Seems a good idea to keep this as a thread for EP chat, what do others think?


I think so, it's good to reassure yourself that you're most definitely not the daughter from hell, most carers will have had the thoughts you've had at times.

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 485
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 85 times
Been thanked: 138 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#432720

Postby Sunnypad » August 5th, 2021, 5:02 pm

Gersemi wrote:
Sunnypad wrote:
Thanks again for listening. Seems a good idea to keep this as a thread for EP chat, what do others think?


I think so, it's good to reassure yourself that you're most definitely not the daughter from hell, most carers will have had the thoughts you've had at times.


Thank you

Something that's often touted as helpful is Power of Attorney

Not finding it that helpful

Trying to sell a flat mum rents out. So far the PofA has increased the workload. EA, solicitor and bank all have to cover themselves so no sells the property of a vulnerable person.

It might be different if mum would allow me to do her banking online but I've given up trying to persuade her.

Also, even the solicitors, on my side and the buyer side, seem quite baffled by Power of Attorney.

AF62
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1872
Joined: November 27th, 2016, 8:45 am
Has thanked: 34 times
Been thanked: 576 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#433467

Postby AF62 » August 9th, 2021, 1:28 pm

Sunnypad wrote:Something that's often touted as helpful is Power of Attorney

Not finding it that helpful

Trying to sell a flat mum rents out. So far the PofA has increased the workload. EA, solicitor and bank all have to cover themselves so no sells the property of a vulnerable person.

It might be different if mum would allow me to do her banking online but I've given up trying to persuade her.

Also, even the solicitors, on my side and the buyer side, seem quite baffled by Power of Attorney.


Going through the process of selling my mother's flat since she went into a residential home after my father died last year. Although she (mostly*) still has her marbles the fun and games was with the estate agent and then the conveyancing solicitor doing the ID checks that are now required - no she doesn't have a driving license, no she doesn't have a passport, no because of Covid she isn't allowed out of the home to see you, etc.

*mostly because I get a phone call from her every couple of weeks asking if I have seen my father because he has gone out and she doesn't know where he is... And then when I see her the next day everything is fine and she had no recollection of making the call.

And then we have my mother in law who lives alone after her husband died a few years ago and over Covid lockdowns has gone from someone perfectly normal to someone who doesn't believe the flat she lives in is hers, and that all the clothes and belongings are some else's.

So rapidly thinking about a residential home for her, and then a panic as although we knew a Power of Attorney existed, nobody knew where it was. Fortunately a search of cupboards and drawers found it.

But the next is going to be the fun of selling her flat, which not only has started to suffer as she declined, but is also a retirement flat which there is little market for at the moment.

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 485
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 85 times
Been thanked: 138 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#433599

Postby Sunnypad » August 9th, 2021, 10:56 pm

AF62

So sorry you're going through all this.

Re your MIL, is there a diagnosis?

I see so many new build retirement flats, I figure there's got to be a market for the slightly less new ones? I hope it all goes okay.

AF62
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1872
Joined: November 27th, 2016, 8:45 am
Has thanked: 34 times
Been thanked: 576 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#433627

Postby AF62 » August 10th, 2021, 8:46 am

Sunnypad wrote:AF62

So sorry you're going through all this.

Re your MIL, is there a diagnosis?


There is. The surprising thing is how rapidly she has changed, although there were some indicators there before.

However she has a number of children who are taking the necessary steps to make sure she is looked after, and so my role is support to my wife and whatever practical assistance I can offer.

Sunnypad wrote:I see so many new build retirement flats, I figure there's got to be a market for the slightly less new ones? I hope it all goes okay.


The problem with selling second hand retirement flats recently is that the market for them has shrunk due to the number of people in that age group who would have been buying one have either died from COVID or one of a couple has died and the other moved directly to a care home because their family could not support their independent living in a retirement flat during COVID.

As well those who would normally have been considering a move to a retirement flat have been staying in their existing house because they were 110% complying with the various lockdowns (even though going out to look at property was allowed) and in addition they or their relatives were scared they would increase their risk of catching COVID by moving from their own home to a place with more communal areas.

Then there is the increased number which have come to the market because of the owner died of COVID, or one of a couple died and the other moved into a care home or to stay with children during COVID and are not in a fit state to return after 18 months.

My mother's flat was on the market for 10 months with three viewings in that time, but hopefully the sale is going through now.

And that was for a flat which was a 'normal' flat apart from an over 55 age requirement. It had no expensive on site manager or residents lounge, etc. In addition the leaseholders each owned a share in the management company that owned the freehold, so the leaseholders could control the service charge. Even then in the five years my parents lived there, although generally house prices in the area have risen substantially in that time, the best offer on her flat was 5% below the original purchase price.

In comparison my neighbour advertised their property in May, a detached house which they bought eight months before, for a price 20% more than they paid. It sold in four days.

But to be honest that doesn't matter as they enjoyed living in the property for those five years.

So when we think about my mother in law's flat, which has an expensive service charge because it has a resident manager, and expensive to run residents facilities, and the freehold owned by a third party who control the management company and want to run it for a profit. Well, that is not going to be easy to sell.

From looking at Rightmove a good number of similar retirement properties in her area have been advertised for sale since 2019 with more being added in 2020 as COVID hit.

The pricing of these flats is hilarious, with flats of the same design and standard being offered for prices that vary wildly - some identical to the most expensive being offered for 1/3rd the price - and the cheap one still not selling!

And these cheap flats look absolutely immaculate, so there will be a lot of work to get mother in law's flat to the same standard.

The reason for the price disparity is people compare to similar non-retirement properties (which is how the developers price when they sell) and some refuse to accept that their property or the property they inherited is worth less than they paid (or more as they see how 'normal' property has increased in value), but others recognise that few are keen on buying a property with an expensive service charge, and some relatives who have inherited the property and are now liable for paying that charge just want rid of it.

But whatever it sells for is irrelevant as it will all undoubtedly be consumed in care home fees - but again that's fine provided her last few years are the best they can be.

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 485
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 85 times
Been thanked: 138 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#433671

Postby Sunnypad » August 10th, 2021, 12:04 pm

AF62 ah true, it will go on care home fees

Agree about the comfort being most important

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 485
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 85 times
Been thanked: 138 times

Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#434422

Postby Sunnypad » August 12th, 2021, 6:57 pm

Well, the flat has sold which is great

I'm knackered! Adrenaline.

Elderly parents are one of those subjects....everyone tells you to just enjoy the time with them....very few people are okay with a real chat about the burden of it all.


Return to “Comfort Cafe”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest