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Another elderly parent support thread

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
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Another elderly parent support thread

#430574

Postby Sunnypad » July 26th, 2021, 8:21 pm

Oh my god

When does it end?

I'm ill myself at the mo and on antibiotics but can't tell her that because Spanish Inquisition

I think she'll be late with her tax payment and then hand over the admin and then there'll be tears.

Oh my god.

I didn't have kids because I didn't want family nonsense, and here I am, at 45, living the chinese curse - interesting times AND
an oldie. This was suppose to be the prime of my life, not....whatever the hell this is.

At least the stress will take years off my life I guess.

If anyone doesn't think I am the daughter from hell, please reply.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430591

Postby mark88man » July 26th, 2021, 10:11 pm

Feel your pain - good luck with the tax - get well soon

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430593

Postby Mike4 » July 26th, 2021, 10:14 pm

Sunnypad wrote:If anyone doesn't think I am the daughter from hell, please reply.


Replying...

You're anything but.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430601

Postby Sunnypad » July 26th, 2021, 10:46 pm

Thank you both
Mark, sorry to hear you are feeling the pain as well

We could use this as a rant thread....
People seem to cope so well with the whole EP thing, even enjoy spending time with them.

I used to have a caring gene but my father had his first major illness when I was 16
In my 30s, there was always one in crisis, it felt like

So I think my caring gene was gone by the time I hit 40.

My sister is very good at separating herself from it

Mum had a hospital procedure about a month ago, or three weeks? I have lost all sense of time!

In the days after, I was struggling so much with the stress, she said herself "I'm more worried about you than me".

I can't fathom how people cope so calmly with it. If there was a way to learn how, I would love to learn!

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430643

Postby DrFfybes » July 27th, 2021, 8:32 am

Sunnypad wrote:I can't fathom how people cope so calmly with it. If there was a way to learn how, I would love to learn!


Firstly you are not the duaghter from hell.

That person would exit their house 30 mins away and disappear to their foreign holiday home for 6 months during a pandemic, leaving her brother to sort out fortnightly hospital appointments for eyes, memory, and the heart attack she had a month or so earlier, sort carers, boiler service, money, bills, and cope with the daily grind of someone who can only tell if she's had breakfast because it is still cold in the bowl in front of her, and think she can do her bit with a couple of whatsapp messages a week. Then when they return in November, say they can't visit as they want to be in a bubble with their daughter as they haven't seen their grandchildren for six months.
And then bugger off again in June this year the day the borders open.

How to cope? - well, havng a supportive MrsF helps a lot, also being retired so I don't have to cope with work, having good carers who will talk to me rather than through the electronic reporting system, and haing had PoA and being left to it for the last 10 years means most of that side is sorted. Also Detaching yourself so this irrational rapidly deteriorating strange rambling old person that you find yourself responsible for isn't really your mum after all.

The bad thing about the memory is she forgets we were there the previous day and asks when we are coming next. Occasionally this is useful as she also forgets we weren't there 2 days ago :twisted:

Paul

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430651

Postby Dod101 » July 27th, 2021, 9:08 am

Sunnypad wrote:Oh my god

When does it end?

I'm ill myself at the mo and on antibiotics but can't tell her that because Spanish Inquisition

I think she'll be late with her tax payment and then hand over the admin and then there'll be tears.

Oh my god.

I didn't have kids because I didn't want family nonsense, and here I am, at 45, living the chinese curse - interesting times AND
an oldie. This was suppose to be the prime of my life, not....whatever the hell this is.

At least the stress will take years off my life I guess.

If anyone doesn't think I am the daughter from hell, please reply.


Sounds like life to me.

Dod

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430754

Postby Sunnypad » July 27th, 2021, 4:45 pm

Thanks for the replies
I will reply properly but mum's brother died in the night so I had to rush to mum's anyway.

It was a very peaceful passing but a terrible shock to his son, poor chap. I might have to go oop north to see him at the weekend so please bear with me if I don't reply for a bit

I really feel for you all, clearly dealing with much harder situations, shall we make this a general EP "get it off your chest" thread?

His son was never involved in daily grind stuff - it's a whole other ballgame then I think, but makes the loss so much harder when there's no relief attached, I guess.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#430757

Postby Dod101 » July 27th, 2021, 4:57 pm

Sunnypad wrote:Thanks for the replies
I will reply properly but mum's brother died in the night so I had to rush to mum's anyway.

It was a very peaceful passing but a terrible shock to his son, poor chap. I might have to go oop north to see him at the weekend so please bear with me if I don't reply for a bit

I really feel for you all, clearly dealing with much harder situations, shall we make this a general EP "get it off your chest" thread?

His son was never involved in daily grind stuff - it's a whole other ballgame then I think, but makes the loss so much harder when there's no relief attached, I guess.


I think you are entitled to our sympathy. You have a lot on your plate by the sounds of it.

Dod

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431022

Postby Sunnypad » July 28th, 2021, 6:38 pm

Hello again
Sorry others are having a hard time

Dod, it's interesting you say that's life...I'm a pessimist but this is one thing I never planned for.

Paul, that sounds so hard and you have much more to complain about. On the sister front, mine has gone back to doing as little as possible, but while I was resentful in the past, I understand it now. That probably doesn't help you. I dunno, I just think the help of someone who would be even more resentful about it would not be helpful.

I didn't know carers were using electronic systems of feedback, that sounds hellish.

Mum is fun sometimes! She just seems to have a way of creating crises. It always ends up being explained as "I didn't want to bother you". But today, having had more issues with tax, I realised that her lack of understanding of how things work is more serious than I knew.

Example - you know when you pay a bill over the phone? It turns out, she thinks posting a cheque is better because...she thinks after you enter the information on the phone, a human being extracts the information you've entered, writes it down and sends it to the bank.

I cannot believe I just typed that out!

Something else that might me sound a Bad Person...I have been finding it so overwhelming lately, combined with lockdown loneliness, I have been in touch with an ex to see if that's a road that might help.

But, following my uncle's death, I think my auntie is feeling relieved. She is ten years younger, fit and well, touch wood, and no longer has to be carer.

That age gap seems nothing when you're 30....my ex is 15 years older than I am.
I wouldn't get married or mix finances but I suppose it would be easy to get in a troublesome situation just with a boyfriend.

That might be a frying pan to fire situation....

I have to do some work this evening. I was at mum's and got back about an hour ago. Somehow I have to get her tax sorted tomorrow or Friday. She has agreed to nothing so far because she is convinced her cheque will get there in time. She is obviously upset about her loss, so now is not the time to say "stop being stupid and do as you are told".

Caring seems like such a waste. I always have a sense of "you never know what might happen". And today, I popped to the shops to get more food for mum - she likes to have hardly any food in which is also a problem - and walking back, some poor cyclist had been knocked down. An ambulance had been called. I held my brolly over him and asked if he wanted to hold my hand. He was shaking violently, couldn't focus his eyes, and kept repeating "I'm so cold". I didn't even have a jacket to put on him.

Spending hours on elder care just seems wrong in so many ways, and the constant sense of what will go wrong next...imagine if I got hit by a car tomorrow...I suppose it wouldn't matter in the end, but it does seem a waste of a time in my life I thought would be fun.

Thank you again for listening. It's very difficult to say this to people in real life.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431048

Postby Dod101 » July 28th, 2021, 9:02 pm

I have no idea how old you are and am not asking (sorry just read that you said 45) but I was not being flippant when I made my comment. I have had two wives for whom I was the main and at times the only carer and I can assure you that that is not something you want shortly after retiring to what ought to be a good and contented life. One died of the long term effects of being an insulin dependent diabetic and the other much more recently of a blood cancer.

I do not feel sorry for myself and never did but I felt desperately sorry for both wives because each of them died relatively young and had a lot to live for. Not what any of us had planned.

I can understand your feelings to some extent anyway, but sadly that is life and we just need to get on with it, harsh as that may sound. Take any support you can get and tackle each day as it comes. You will get through it and your situation is not unique and will not last for ever.

My homily is now over you will be relieved to note.

Sincerely, being a carer can sometimes be rewarding but for most of the time is just bl***y hard work. I do sympathise.

Dod

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431055

Postby mark88man » July 28th, 2021, 9:30 pm

You're doing as well as you can. You do have a balance in that you can't just swan in and take over however easy a solution that may seem

From personal experience (FIL) those slight lapses in memory/understanding can be a sign that things are starting to go wrong in the head department. The NHS are good at doing check ups. I don't want to worry you - but if things are going downhill then you need to discuss any changes ASAP before it gets too difficult. We didn't and now we feel we wasted 12-18 months when FIL could have been settling in to semi-independent living or coping with carers and now he won't have that enjoyment and it will probably be more difficult for him to make the transition

In terms of fun though most people's 40's are complaining about being tied down or worn out by kids so it is a bit swings and roundabouts. The grass is always greener !!

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431072

Postby Sunnypad » July 28th, 2021, 11:29 pm

Thank you Dod
I think what you did is amazing

I know what you mean about life not turning out how you expect but being single and childfree, I thought there'd be no family crap to deal with. I know people in the sandwich generation but they seem to value family, hence having kids in the first place.

Mark, I'm not thinking that she is having lapses in memory or judgement....Did you mean the telephone payment example? Unfortunately she left life admin to my dad, so has no idea how the world works. A few years before he died, she had to be persuaded to learn to use a cash machine. It was all terribly unfair to him...The cash machine thing only happened because I had a serious injury and it was pointed out to her that if me and dad were ever ill at the same time, she'd be stuck.

She actually can sort out the information for her tax return, which is impressive given she started with so little knowledge. But I don't think the example of how she thought a phone payment works is a demonstration of any change in cognitive ability. It's just what she thought happens.

She's got one friend, also in his 80s, who was still getting cash from the bank by writing himself a cheque and cashing it at the counter (pre Covid).

I might have to start throwing money at the problem from my side. Get a cleaner for myself, use taxis more often to get to mum's. That can be a 45 min trip rather than a 2 hour one on Tubes etc. It will save time and make me feel less overwhelmed. I'll ponder. On a weekly basis, that's 6 hours minimum back in my free time.

I'm not always this resentful. I think lockdown rage and peri rage probably have something to do with it as well. The former is certain, the latter less clear!

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431144

Postby Gersemi » July 29th, 2021, 9:38 am

Sunnypad wrote:Thank you Dod


I might have to start throwing money at the problem from my side. Get a cleaner for myself, use taxis more often to get to mum's. That can be a 45 min trip rather than a 2 hour one on Tubes etc. It will save time and make me feel less overwhelmed. I'll ponder. On a weekly basis, that's 6 hours minimum back in my free time.



If you can afford this I think it is an excellent idea. I like saving money, but at the end of the day the best use of it is to make difficult things easier. Even if you only do it once a week say, it sounds like it would remove some stress from your life.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431176

Postby mark88man » July 29th, 2021, 11:19 am

That's reassuring. Yes I did pick up on the lapse and read more into it than perhaps it warranted. But at a social event last week (yes I know!) talk did turn to elderly relatives, and the general feeling was a careful blend between not jumping in with two feet and jumping in early enough to make a difference had to be drawn, with the majority wishing they had intervened a little earlier. But I note you seem a long way from that timepoint.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431180

Postby Alaric » July 29th, 2021, 11:31 am

Sunnypad wrote: But I don't think the example of how she thought a phone payment works is a demonstration of any change in cognitive ability. It's just what she thought happens.


Technology can move in circles. I believe there's at least one bank that supports mobile banking by scanning a cheque using the built in camera of smart phones. Whether it can automatically decipher handwriting or needs a person to read the cheque, I'm not sure. From a user viewpoint, it combines two old technologies, writing a cheque and taking a photograph.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431280

Postby Sunnypad » July 29th, 2021, 5:29 pm

Alaric, that's an interesting point.

Mark, not sure what "I know" means re gathering? Does your mum expect you to spend all your free time there?

But re when to interfere, the vibe I get is not to - very much a "use or it lose it" thing. Mum has very disciplined habits, keeps a very tidy house, has a cleaner for the heavy stuff but is naturally tidy. Like dad. If I didn't look like them, I'd wonder if I was adopted :D

She has a blind spot with things like finance, insurance etc but generally has learned a lot about those things.

For leisure, She still reads academic books on literature and philosophy so hopefully her marbles are all there? She frequently asks my opinion on writers and theorists and I have no clue who they are :oops:

Gersemi, the LBMM runs strong in this long term Fool! But now is the time to spend more, I think. I thought about moving nearer to mum but prices are insane, as well as the fact I am really fond of my home. So compared to that option, a bit of help is much less cost.

I slept through my alarm this morning, which kept repeating itself every 10 mins. Generally a bit overtired. Normally the slightest thing wakes me up.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431287

Postby scrumpyjack » July 29th, 2021, 6:19 pm

Alaric wrote:
Sunnypad wrote: But I don't think the example of how she thought a phone payment works is a demonstration of any change in cognitive ability. It's just what she thought happens.


Technology can move in circles. I believe there's at least one bank that supports mobile banking by scanning a cheque using the built in camera of smart phones. Whether it can automatically decipher handwriting or needs a person to read the cheque, I'm not sure. From a user viewpoint, it combines two old technologies, writing a cheque and taking a photograph.


I use that facility on both my NatWest and Barclays current accounts via their mobile apps. There is a limit on the size of cheques you can pay in that way, either £750 or £500 as I recall, but it works well. You type in the amount of the cheque, then the app photographs it and that's it, job done.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431291

Postby Mike88 » July 29th, 2021, 6:42 pm

Unfortunately it seems to be a fact of life that more you do for an elderly parent the less you are appreciated. If you perform a task once it is expected you will do it for evermore. I did a lot for my mother; my sister didn't but I became the bad guy and my sister could do no wrong. C'est la vie.

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431303

Postby kiloran » July 29th, 2021, 7:57 pm

Mike88 wrote:Unfortunately it seems to be a fact of life that more you do for an elderly parent the less you are appreciated. If you perform a task once it is expected you will do it for evermore. I did a lot for my mother; my sister didn't but I became the bad guy and my sister could do no wrong. C'est la vie.

Not a fact of life with my 97yo mum. She's totally appreciative of what my sister and I do for her (and that's most things.... shopping, cleaning, finances, appointments, etc) and gives us carte-blanche (though we have a PoA if required). We always try to give mum options and try to let her make final decisions, but she's more than willing to leave it to us to decide what's best.

I think my sister and I brought her up really well :lol:

--kiloran

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Re: Another elderly parent support thread

#431322

Postby mark88man » July 29th, 2021, 9:19 pm

Sorry @sunnypad - my (I know!) was just a nod at my recklessness in actually meeting other people. that was all - I'll not say more as its a bit Off Topic - other than thank you for an interesting thread, and as per my first post good luck with it all


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