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Stunned of Tunbridge Wells

A friendly ear
csearle
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Stunned of Tunbridge Wells

#443681

Postby csearle » September 19th, 2021, 8:50 pm

Background:
In 2003 my wife, kids, and I returned to the UK from Germany.
In 2005 my wife has some kind of mental breakdown (eventually diagnosed as Bipolar disorder) that eventually led to her divorcing me in 2008.
In 2011 I started seeing one of my customers who was unhappily married. Walking her dog. Daily messages. Very occasional naughty weekend.

Development:
Two weeks ago, out-of-the-blue she messaged me to say it was all over. At the moment I am in a state of shock. We had speculated about all sorts of visions for our future. We have an enormous bucket list of things we imagined wanting to experience together.

I am stunned. I never imagined that my situation was so precarious. I am 61. I feel younger. A Polish guy (late twenties I imagine) with whom I was playing volleyball today couldn't believe it. He had guessed 45. Very flattering but I mention it only to convey how I ​feel inside.

I feel that my (now ex) girlfriend was perfect for me in every sense. I really cannot imagine anyone else at the moment.

I registered a Tinder account but by the time I filtered out the left-wing, smoking, woke, homeopaths it left only people whose pictures reminded me of my grandparents (who are all sadly dead).

Hadn't really expected to be attempting to date at 61. My (now ex) girlfriend said that she wouldn't rearrange her life until her youngest had left home, to avoid disruption. This I could see and that is how I could wait so long. Now, as her daughter is off to uni and has her driving licence, instead of the light at the end of the tunnel I find it was just a mid-tunnel pendant.

Chris

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Re: Stunned of Tunbridge Wells

#443755

Postby AWOL » September 20th, 2021, 9:20 am

It'll take time but things will come together. I haven't been in the same situation but I did have a marriage collapse with absolutely no warning and I took it hard. I was virtually comatose. In time though I got round to focussing on doing the things I enjoy in life. I socialised, joined clubs, met new people and found that I suddenly had offers from ladies everywhere I went. I couldn't go into a bar and leave on my own (and I am not a handsome fellow). I got bored of that soon enough and when I was trying to live a quieter life without any girlfriends then I met a girl who was doing the same thing and it was much more fulfilling than all the escapism in between. However at any stage of this process the other stages seamed impossible and unforeseeable.

I think it just takes time. You've had all your assumptions overturned and nothing seams reliable to you. It will take time to trust. The process is imperceptibly slow. Don't pursue a partner, instead gently indulge your interests, sport is great, sporting clubs are good, eat out, see the world, see what happens. Just try to live a good life and take small steps as the pace of recovery cannot be forced.

vagrantbrain
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Re: Stunned of Tunbridge Wells

#443768

Postby vagrantbrain » September 20th, 2021, 10:08 am

Just my 2p: it's not very respectful to just end it with someone after 10 years by a text message, if she's the kind of person that thinks that's acceptable behaviour then I think you're better off without her, and better to find out now than in 5 years when you've got a house together etc. She could well have done you a favour by freeing you to find someone nicer.

From my own experiences of being single i'd get rid of Tinder, Bumble and all the other dating apps. They're full of time wasters, attention seekers and people who are single for a reason. The more established dating websites like Match or eHarmony tend be used by people who are more serious about finding someone. Christmas is also coming which is a prime time to meet people via nights out, friends of friends, xmas parties etc

It's a kick in the nuts for sure. My advice - take a couple of months away from the ladies and catch up with friends family and hobbies.

MDW1954
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Re: Stunned of Tunbridge Wells

#444243

Postby MDW1954 » September 21st, 2021, 7:06 pm

vagrantbrain wrote:Just my 2p: it's not very respectful to just end it with someone after 10 years by a text message, if she's the kind of person that thinks that's acceptable behaviour then I think you're better off without her, and better to find out now than in 5 years when you've got a house together etc. She could well have done you a favour by freeing you to find someone nicer.

From my own experiences of being single i'd get rid of Tinder, Bumble and all the other dating apps. They're full of time wasters, attention seekers and people who are single for a reason. The more established dating websites like Match or eHarmony tend be used by people who are more serious about finding someone. Christmas is also coming which is a prime time to meet people via nights out, friends of friends, xmas parties etc

It's a kick in the nuts for sure. My advice - take a couple of months away from the ladies and catch up with friends family and hobbies.


Chris,

As I've said via PM, I'm appalled to hear of this.

The advice above strikes me as just about perfect.

Thinking of you.

MDW1954


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