Suggestions appreciated

[NomoneyNohoney]

I have a friend in another part of the country, who lives alone. Our only contact has dwindled to a rambling letter sent by her with a hand-made Xmas card each year.

I've written and asked for a phone number, but that's never been offered, I've suggested that "coincidentally" I might be in her area in a month's time and would love to pop-in for a cuppa and a chat... but that's never been reacted to. Last year she mentioned she'd given her sister power of attorney, (which I've only just thought of as a possible warning sign...)and this year's letter was unusually short and depressive. Didn't help that she posted it mid November, and I only received it last week.

Any ideas what I can do? I write long - hopefully interesting and amusing - letters a couple of times during a year, but it's still just a note with the Christmas card,that's all I get from her, and there's never any reference to what I shared with her, or told her or asked her.

Now, the clumsy question I need to ask - how will I know what's happening with her?
One day I anticipate her letters stopping, and I don't want unanswered questions such as, is she in hospital, did she die etc?

Any ideas how I can keep tabs on her from a distance?

[oldapple]

Could you contact the sister she has given POA to? Although you want to keep tabs from a distance, could you just call in with her unannounced (perhaps with some flowers) when you are next within travelling distance? Or ask a neighbour if you get no answers? It is nice that you are concerned for her, and though she sounds like she is reticent to meet up, I think it might just lift her depressed spirits if she sees you are not just writing friendly letters, but as we say in my part of the world, 'putting your money where your mouth is'. I get Christmas letters too but often feel people don't mean what they say!

[Bminusrob]

Could you invite the friend, probably accompanied by her sister, to visit you, and stay with you for a few days? She may appreciate the change, and her sister may help persuade her.

[Dod101]

Sometimes you just have to accept that the friend is 'fading'. I had a relative living in Canada and for years we were in touch a couple of times a year by letter, writing about family history and general news. Then I got a letter from her to say that she had moved to one of these sunset homes but reassuring me that she was still well but just felt she needed a bit more support. She gave me her full address. Then silence and I have not heard since. I can only assume that she is no longer with us. I was disappointed not to have heard from anyone about her fate. She had two nieces who she said were keeping in close touch but I have heard nothing from them or anyone else. I have no contact address for them but I thought they might have been in touch. All very frustrating and unsatisfactory

I would do as you suggest. Jump in your car and just 'happen' to be nearby. If you are rebuffed well at least you will have some idea how the land lies. I did that with a second cousin, living about 300 miles away. I discovered that this 83 year old widow was still living at home but with carers coming in three times a day. She was suffering from the early stages of some form of dementia. I was able to get a contact for her son and then got the full story. Without turning up on her doorstep, I would never have got that. Now of course I am kept up to date via the son.

You could maybe do the same.

Dod

[servodude]

I agree with Dod here and I'm only posting here to add weight to his suggestion.

Try and see how it goes.

You're never going to know why anyone doesn't reciprocate communication; there could be any number of reasons

- but.. if this current state of affairs has set off your "Spidey sense" you should do enough to give yourself peace of mind

- the worst that could happen (and I watch a LOT of horror movies) is likely to be little compared to what you might imagine if you don't

Good luck

-sd

[airbus330]

I really feel for the OP.

April 22 I had a brief chat with a friend, actually 25 years ago my best friend, and found out that he'd been a bit unwell, had had covid and was a bit down. He lived in Cyprus, so I said we'd get together when he visited the UK. We hadn't seen each other for a few years mainly due covid, but also due to lifestyle divergence.
So, June, I got a UK call from him asking for advice on wheelchairs. I thought it was a wind up, but when speaking to him he said it was a result of pancreatitis but might improve. I was worried, so, contacted a mutual friend who told me that he was refusing help, had been in uk hospital and discharged himself. He was living alone and refusing assistance. August, I was up in his area, a long way from where I live, and rang to see if he fancied a cuppa and a chat. He virtually begged me not to visit and I didn't push the issue. Three weeks later I get the call that he died alone aged 59.
The story is a bit more involved than this, but I absolutely regret not holding my ground and turning up on his doorstep for that cuppa. Its a reasonable response to say that it was his choice or that it wouldn't have been right to force him to meet me. But, it is possible that he would not have died in such awful circumstances had I been more persistent.

[Sunnypad]

If she's not offered a number, I'm afraid I'd leave it there.

But if you want to be more subtle, then you could write a letter saying "here's an alternative number if you ever have issues getting in touch." In the days I had close friends, they all had mum's number. It's perhaps less eyebrow raising as I live alone though.

But it might prompt your friend to say the same, or to realise what you're looking for?

[NomoneyNohoney]

In my last letter to her, I said,
"I am sorry, but just in case you’re ever at a low ebb and really need to reach out to someone, my mobile number is xxxxx xxxxx , and email is nomoneynohoney@gmail.com. If you need someone to talk to or unload on, more than willing to try to help if I can. Please remember this for if times get low or complicated, and you’re feeling alone, OK?
Thinking about it, I don’t have any phone number for you anymore, so it might be good if you let me know that too, just in case I ever need it for anything?"

I think that pretty well covers your suggestion Sunnypad, so great minds etc... Thanks for the assistance though.