Massive life mistake - help please

[Itsallaguess]

She expects me to do everything and got cross about paying for carers because "they don't do any more than what you do".

In real life, all I hear is "you have to do what's best for your mother"

Taking the above two separate quotes in aggregate Sunnypad, it seems to me that the key element missing here is someone else, other than you, urgently talking to your Mum about perhaps 'doing what's best for Sunnypad', because from the above there seems to be very little of that consideration on her part, which seems to be having a terrible long term effect on your health and well-being.

Is there anyone close to your mother who could try and persuade her to pay for some level of alternative care, with a view to 'doing what's best for Sunnypad', which ultimately will also help to deliver the best long-term care for your mother as well....?

If there isn't then is that particular engagement with your Mum something you could perhaps talk to Social Services about, so they could perhaps talk to her about why it's so vitally important for the both of you that the current situation needs to change?

A part-time Sunnypad must be a much more beneficial prospect than a completely-broken Sunnypad, and that desperate fact needs conveying to your Mum with some urgency from someone who she will listen to.

All the best.

Itsallaguess

[Sunnypad]

The other thing that's happened in the last 24 hours is she is claiming she does understand this and is very worried and will stop asking me to do things.

Time will tell.

I will continue to keep out of her way.

[Sunnypad]

Sorry, that was a reply to *itsallaguess*

Such is my brain power at the mo!

I've been for a walk and bought some food and will have a nap now.

[Itsallaguess]

The other thing that's happened in the last 24 hours is she is claiming she does understand this and is very worried and will stop asking me to do things.

Time will tell.

I will continue to keep out of her way.

But even that only sounds like a suitable solution if she's got an appropriate way to receive alternative support for the things that might still need doing, because otherwise things are just going to build up and create a bottle-neck of things for you to ultimately do for her if that's not the case, and then a short-term fix of 'not asking' doesn't actually fix anything at all over the longer term, because bottle-necks are actually much more stressful to then ultimately have to deal with...

'I'll stop asking you to do things' is just an enforced guilt trip on you if it doesn't also come with a clear and mutual understanding of who else is going to do them when it isn't you...

Hopefully that secondary consideration is now a little easier to discuss and clarify, now that she's clearly at least recognised the strain that you've been under and the terrible affect on your own health that this situation has been causing.

Cheers,

Itsallaguess

[Sunnypad]

I didn't manage a nap - exhausted but wired I guess

So, a fuller update

It seems while I've been posting here this week, mum and sis have realised the seriousness of it all and made a plan. Sis visited her earlier in the week.

They have booked a weekly cleaner who will also do laundry.

My sister is going to deal with mum's rental property and order groceries online - something mum has resisted for a long time, but she cannot continue to rely on neighbours for shopping

Mum doesn't need any personal care at present but agrees that a carer has to be employed again if she does. It would be private so if they have staff, there should not be a delay....though of course everywhere has a staff shortage so not sure how that works.

We have actually used them before - there have been so many incidents I can't explain them clearly on here - and the woman who owns the agency has now given mum her personal mobile to ring day or night and says she does have staff who will come and deal with emergencies.

If mum presses her emergency button, the first contact was listed as me. This has now been switched to a family friend who is also round the corner - if he's not around, he has a couple of others in the household who will help. I am the second contact but there's not a way round that. (He was second contact but has agreed to be first. He is very fond of mum, hope that lasts).

Mum accepts that in the event of another hospitalisation, I might not deal with any of it and she either relies on her friends or social services.

Tbh I have been avoiding mum as much as realistically possible for a while now, but it looks like it's taken a while for it to sink in.

I'm not convinced she realises this is permanent, I'm not taking any of that stuff back on. When I first said to her "I'm absolutely not doing any more housework" I could tell she was puzzled but hey ho...l still run the finances so I know what she can afford.

I will continue with finances and she's agreed for me to set up online banking (I have third party access). That's only been a five year battle!

Finally, and credit to both mum and sis for saying this - they said if I want to move back to the London flat, they will provide funds so that I don't have to get a tenant in my one here immediately, or return to work.

Sorry, that was long! Thank you for listening.

[Clitheroekid]

She did, I assume, care for you when you were young. It is now your turn to repay, within the limits of your own clinical condition and finances.
If this sounds like unfeeling and unpleasant medicine, so be it.

I'm afraid that's exactly what it sounds like. In both my personal and professional life I have seen many cases where parents have treated their children so badly that they deserved nothing at all from them - in fact, if anything, they probably owed the child an apology.

People have children for all sorts of reasons, some good, some bad. But by no means every child is wanted, and there are many parents who are selfish, and routinely prioritise their own needs and desires over those of their children.

It seems entirely wrong to me that the unfortunate children of such parents, who are already damaged, should then be guilt-tripped by people who know little or nothing about their background into feeling even worse than they do.

Love and respect have to be earned - they aren't a God-given right.

[Sunnypad]

Thank you for your post Clitheroe

I came here to update ...

It's been an exhausting week but I have sold my old home

It was the decision that was best short term for my sanity and long term for my finances....selling a high rise seemed the right thing to do before rules render them harder to sell.

Sorry to say, two other sales in that building have fallen through in the time since I posted...the Building Safety Act being very hard to navigate and quite new to solicitors and mortgage lenders. They were in the market before me so they are really upset.

Sadly my solicitor made these last few days pretty hellish. I won't complain as I also came on here to see if there was any mention of the conveyancing firm hack on the Legal or News board....a truly hellish situation for all involved, with what looks like no clear route to compensation.

Clitheroe, I saw your article about goodbyes and last times. I couldn't really compute that I was saying goodbye to a home that contained many happy memories and I shouldn't have bought the current one, but here we are. My last day finishing up there was Tuesday. I looked around numbly but took a pic of the front door...that isn't in any of the pics I have of parties etc

Seems like another life.

Sometimes goodbyes are like sugar dissolving in hot water....you can't see the exact end point.

I haven't told mum that it's done. I want at least two weeks where she continues to be careful around me.....as she's got rid of her carers, been to the supermarket in a cab, been to a friend's for lunch, I have told her she has to support me now!

Time to move forward. I am really not sorry to leave the rough area that part of London has become, so that's a positive.

[Adamski]

Congrats on selling your old home. I know all about 1) house sales being stressful (mostly) and 2) looking after elderly and sick parents and parents-in-law.

Lot of people now in 50s, and 60s, look after elderly parents - the hidden, and unpaid! carers. Can be very stressful. I gave up full time work because of it. Generally falls on one sibling. And the responsibility goes on top of other life responsibilities.

Re stress, depression, recommend getting as much fresh air and exercise as possible and not turn to drink, food, pills. Just my experience.

Take care, Adam

[csearle]

Sometimes goodbyes are like sugar dissolving in hot water....you can't see the exact end point.

That's a great way of putting it. I ended up being the sibling in my family who put in the hours and miles in mum's last few years. Not entirely sure when she last really registered me. Take care, Chris

[Leothebear]

Been a while since we've heard from you Sunnypad. Hope things are better and you manage to enjoy Christmas. Best wishes

Leo

[Sunnypad]

Been a while since we've heard from you Sunnypad. Hope things are better and you manage to enjoy Christmas. Best wishes

Leo

Thank you for thinking of me, I really appreciate that

Christmas is always awful - I used to do Sunnypad's Christmas Message on the old site if anyone remembers! - but it's done now.

I am trying to settle down and live a simple life. It's helping.

Hope everyone here is well.