Massive life mistake - help please

[Sunnypad]

Hello wise Fools
I have done a very stupid thing but it's done now and I don't know where else to turn.

Most of you will know I have long term depression and anxiety so this colours how I do or don't cope with things.

This is very long so thank you in advance if you get through it.

In April, I moved house to be closer to my mother and also because the part of London I was in has gone horrendously downhill. I'm about 2 hours away from old home on public transport. I kept doing that journey every week to see mum.

I put my previous flat on sale after moving out of it.

It was a hard move though, because I lived in my home for 15 years, it has a caretaker and is well run. Also, I have moved to a tiny place, which I knew was a risk, but I thought I'd be spending a lot of time at mum's.

Fast forward to July. Mum has a couple of falls, hospital admissions, broken wrist and was too dizzy to sit up in bed. She still refused carers until I had a full on nervous breakdown and began keening in a corner - literally. I seriously considered calling 111 to ask for a sedative injection that day.

Our relationship is now very poor as I blame her for me ending up like that. When I moved, it did not enter my head that she'd end up in a situation where she needed proper care and would refuse it. She has recovered and got rid of the carers. I still don't visit her because I want to be clear I cannot help.

I wasn't well really for ages after the breakdown and still not well now. i have tried some changes of medication but nothing really helps.

My London flat - My original buyer hit the rocks with his mortgage in August and had to reapply. I wasn't in a fit state to really register it happening. But in September I realised I missed my old flat so much, I decided I would move back in by start of November if there was no sign of exchange.

Of course, then what happened was he got his new mortgage offer, and I wasn't in a fit state to contemplate moving.

Now we are in the worst bit of the year and I am constantly in tears because I miss my old home so much. The new one is also extremely badly run. The soundproofing is appalling as well. So I live in a noisy box in a nice area with no walking distance conveniences. I no longer drive because my nerves can't take it and I sleep badly etc...plus can't drive with sedatives in system anyway.

I am a real homebody and missing all my "stuff" that's in storage in mum's garage. But I'm still falling over my stuff here.

I am aware that I sound incredibly spoiled and stupid that I own two flats, but truth be told, I don't feel well enough to rent either of them out. The London one is a high rise and needs about £3k of electrical work to be allowed to rent it.

I also don't know what happens with mum's next inevitable fall or hospital admission if I am 2 hours away on a train.

I keep being told we are near to exchange but that's been the message for ages.

In terms of finance - the sensible thing is to allow the sale to go through and take the money. Then I can claim back the second home SDLT paid as well.

I am not currently working and don't anticipate being in a fit state to do so for a long time. If I am this low, does it matter if I live in a tiny flat, or is it making things worse?

I don't know whether to go back home or what. It is a massive financial hit. I bought a new build. They are building more down the road so if I try to sell this one, I'm competing with the new new ones, so to speak.

I have talked to my friends about this and all I hear is "what about your mother". But I want my own happiness back. If I go home I might visit mum once a month, but that's it.

Any thoughts? I don't miss the noise, the area etc but I suppose the reality of being a homebody is that those immediate surroundings of your home and your stuff are more important than what's outside.


Thanks for listening.

[Urbandreamer]

OK, I have a few thoughts, out of order from your post.

But I want my own happiness back.

Good grief but you are seriously harming yourself. NO I do mean that. Sure you can't be "happy" in the new "temporary" flat. Sure there are very many who have no choice, because of finances, to live in places like that. But you are not one of them. You chose to live there for other reasons!

Can I suggest making time for yourself. As I understand it London is full of green spaces, make time to put a waterproof on and visit them. Visit your local library, not for the books, though I do think that's a good idea, but to investigate the locality.

I like reading/listening to books. Can I suggest Mrs Harris goes to New York. Mrs Harris sounds to live in a flat like yours.
If books are not your thing, the first book "Mrs Harris goes to Paris" is now a film (that I have not watched).

So to move back or not?

In terms of finance - the sensible thing is to allow the sale to go through and take the money.

Rubbish! That is your depression talking. Seriously there are other alternatives, admittedly that you may find a bit less palatable.
You could engage a property company to rent your other flat out. Let us suppose that you take a small financial loss from doing so. SO WHAT!

Let us be honest, this could last for a few years. Indeed from experience your mothers deterioration is not uncommon. A rapid downturn, then gradual decline. From experience, at some point family just can't cope and they need professional support. Personally I suspect that you are the point that you need to put her in a care home, against her desires.

Can I suggest watching "Waiting for God", the sit com with her. (possibly watch it in advance). Then warn any staff that she is primed for escape.

[Lanark]

the sensible thing is to allow the sale to go through and take the money. Then I can claim back the second home SDLT paid as well.

The London market is a mess, my advice is to get the sale through even if you have to reduce the price to get the deal over the line.

I am a real homebody and missing all my "stuff" that's in storage in mum's garage. But I'm still falling over my stuff here.

Once the London sale is done, I would rent for 1 year, somewhere affordable and walkable, so probably further north, so you can figure out where you want to live and what you are going to do.
Rent somewhere big enough for all your stuff, if you are not currently employed you may need to put down a larger deposit/pay multiple months in advance to convince the landlord that you are not going to be a problem.

I bought a new build. They are building more down the road so if I try to sell this one, I'm competing with the new new ones, so to speak.

Think positive, people looking at the new ones may see yours all completed and ready to move into and think 'why wait'.
Moving all/most of your stuff into a rental also means you can empty the new house of junk so it looks showroom ready to sell.

Travel a bit, try places out for a few days.
Write yourself a life plan, print it out and stick to it.

[Gerry557]

Multiple issues but it's difficult looking after someone else if you can't look after yourself.

Does mother have other family or friends close by. Get social services involved they might be able to offer something to keep her at home. A fall alarm might be advisable.

Consider whether you should move again or if you can get help with the decision process on what to do with the properties.

One step at a time don't try to resolve everything all at once. You can do it in bite size chunks.

Some good advice upthread.

[tacpot12]

Hi sunnypad. I would say not to worry about the mistake you think you have made. You can't really know whether it was a mistake or not; it just feels like a mistake at the moment.

Moving away from an area that you feel has gone downhill is a rational decision, especially if it appeared your mum needed and would benefit from your support. She seems to have chosen not to take you up on your offer.

As others have said the best thing to do is to move to somewhere where you think you will be happy. You don't need to do so until you are confident that you really are moving to a good place for you. Letting the sale of your old flat go through seems a sensible decision for your at this time. You should regard your current flat as temporary, and use the time in it to make a list of the desirable features you are looking for when you are able to move.

I would say that it is important to also use the time in your 'temporary' flat to enjoy the time your Mum is able to do things with you. She might not need your care, but she would enjoy your company if you can get over blaming her. If she misled you, then you might have some cause to blame her, but ultimately we have to be responsible for the things we choose to do. Your Mum didn't force you to sell your flat, so blaming her is not really fair.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, where your mum needs help but will not accept it from you or from carers, it is okay to call social services and wash your hands of the situation - you can't take responsibility for her decsions, and you don't want to be forcing her to do stuff. It is much better if social service get involved and make sure her basic needs are met.

I am impressed by the fact you have sought advice on the internet, and hope that the range of advice you receive will be useful.

[Sunnypad]

Thank you so much for replying everyone, I really appreciate it.

Apologies for not addressing individuals but my tired brain isn't up to much.

Poster who said sell the London flat - yes, a London high rise is a very difficult sale now and will likely get harder. I should let it go through if I'm being rational.

Re renting the new place out - I appreciate I can get an agency to do it. But I have a history of massive hassle, already seen on here, with dad's rental properties, and they were done via agents.

So if I move back home, then I would imagine we're looking at March at the earliest for me to cope with renting this out.

This is technically a highly desirable new build one bed btw. A different sort of person wouldn't notice the noises that bother me. It's pretty, nice development, but tiny.

Key point on my home is really missing the caretaker and the good management. In summer it's pretty hellish though, gets to about 32 often. I feel as if we didn't have a hot summer so I wish I'd just stayed there...but some people have said we did have a summer and I was either ill or dealing with mum so I didn't notice it?

Re mum - she has all the fall alarm stuff but I'm not sure why people mention that really as it's still me who gets the call? I think some parts of the country have a falls team but we don't. Social services have done what they can which isn't much, neighbours are involved but they just ring me, understandably.

In five years there have been maybe seven hospital admissions, including 18 and 22 hour waits in A&E, with two week stats after. I was literally hallucinating for about 3 days after that second one.

So am I really just going to sit on my sofa 2 hours away when she inevitably has another one? My sister thinks I should. She does. But Hospitals are chaos. I have had to prevent them giving her meds she is allergic to, had to ensure she got food etc.

We had private carers in and actually they kept telling me she doesn't need a carer now - about three weeks before she dismissed them. She goes from very well to very unwell and back round again. Mutual friends have seen her more recently than I have and say she has made a great recovery.

I just think, yes, Till the next fall when the whole damn thing will start again.

Things in walking distance - tbh I really mean a shop where I can pop out for emergency chocolate or a ready meal. It's about 15 mins but that feels like a mountain when you are ill and exhausted. I go for a little potter and I'm worn out. Supermarket for London flat is across the street.

It's a nice area and there's lots of places to go but I like to hang around my own home, cook, make it pretty, have friends for tea rather than go to a restaurant, be surrounded by my books and stuff

I never knew I'd suddenly reach the end of my tether with mum so I thought a titchy one bed would be fine because I didn't expect to be in it much. I thought it would spare the travel and overnight stays.

Re the sale
The strain of being told "we are very very close to exchange" since mid September has not helped. My solicitor is dreadful and I now rely on the other side's solicitor sending info via the EA. I am so annoyed about that - I'd have been better off putting a bed in there even mid September. It would have cost - I dunno - £300 from Argos and at least I could have spent the last couple of months there.

Honestly I have tears in my eyes typing that.....if I'd spent the last two months at home I'd have been in a much better mental state than I am now.

I am so angry with myself...I bought off plan, dealt with all the noise of a building site while they built the opposite block...if we didn't have a summer, my old flat would have been okay.

I don't think renting is a good idea unless there's money coming in.

I wouldn't watch Waiting for God as I'd probably dissolve into hysterical tears again. Mum has been in respite care twice now. Lovely place, I do understand why she hated it - but I really liked it because they fed and watered and looked after me as well!

I cannot believe I wasted five years of my life looking after mum. Sorry, that's a separate topic.

So now it's...let the sale go through or not. Left a two bed ( or 1.5 bed) two bath to live here. About 700 sq ft. My original home, you leave the building and think "god, this is hellish out here" and dodge past tons of people just to get to a library.

Here, you leave the tiny flat - about 500 sq ft - and think "well, this is pretty and not horribly overcrowded". And the people are much, much nicer. I grew up here. It's the right vibe for me. But I hate constantly feeling like I need to leave my home, especially in this awful weather. I don't enjoy hanging round cafes or libraries. I don't need to find somewhere to hang around in my London home.

[Sunnypad]

Quoting function not working for me

Moderator Message:
Minor edit to add quotes for you (chas49)

Moving away from an area that you feel has gone downhill is a rational decision, especially if it appeared your mum needed and would benefit from your support. She seems to have chosen not to take you up on your offer.

It's the reverse. She expects me to do everything and got cross about paying for carers because "they don't do any more than what you do".

I didn't realise she'd be such a PITA.

I dislike being in her company. People often say to me to "enjoy" it - there's nothing to enjoy. Especially now I'm so furious with her for driving me to a breakdown by refusing care initially.i don't blame her for me moving, but an 85 year old refusing carers when she's too dizzy to get out of bed? And expecting me to deal with it? Yes, I do blame her for that.

I am also nervous to go out with her anyway because if she falls, I'll be sitting on a paveme t for hours waiting for an ambulance and after a fractured vertebrae, from a while ago, my back won't cope with it,

Before anyone says it - no, I don't expect to miss her when she's gone, I didn't miss dad either. I think I posted here that the worst thing about his death was feeling I'd been left with the child I never wanted to have - my mum. And that was five years ago!

[stewamax]

I cannot recommend what you should do regarding accommodation.
But could I suggest that you try to put yourself in your mother's place: "an 85 year old refusing carers when she's too dizzy to get out of bed? And expecting me to deal with it?"
Er... yes. What would you do if you were in her position - frail and probably confused?

She did, I assume, care for you when you were young. It is now your turn to repay, within the limits of your own clinical condition and finances.
If this sounds like unfeeling and unpleasant medicine, so be it.

[Sunnypad]

*stewamax* not to deviate from the thread but as you've said it - I knew it would upset someone! - yes, I have spent the last five years thinking about how it feels, doing a 4 hour round trip once or twice a week to help her out etc

If you are so dizzy you cannot sit up in bed unaided, paramedics have been in etc, are you seriously saying you would put all that burden on one person? Having them running up and down stairs all day when you know they have an injury that still causes issues? 24/7, no carers?

She's strong enough to be annoyed that I wanted basic safety measures to be taken for the tenant in her flat - how dare I eat into her profit.

viewtopic.php?f=44&t=36089

As for having children - she had them out of choice. Am I not allowed to move away or whatever? Do I have to serve my parents till one of us drops dead?

Her doctor has known our family for years and he was furious at her attitude as well. If you've got the money to pay for care, you pay for it. You don't put all the burden on one person with known medical issues.

I have discussed extensively with the doctor and the full stepping back is essential in someone with her attitude.

I do not exist to serve anybody and after five years of caring, I am absolutely done. And if you have missed the implications of a full on nervous breakdown where I'd actually like to be admitted to a facility, you are not very caring. If this sounds like unfeeling and unpleasant medicine, so be it.

[Sunnypad]

In the meantime, I found replies really helpful. Interested to hear others. I was awake till 5.

In terms of London property market, I realise that if I go back, I've got to live there for several years.

[redsturgeon]

Same advice as they give on every airline flight, "Put your own oxygen mask on before attempting to help others."
You do not seem in a fit state to look after yourself properly at the moment so how could you possibly help your mother.
You might think about seeking professional help.

[BigB]

Not sure I have much to offer, but some sympathy and hopefully a little empathy.

Myself and my 2 sisters all live with in half an hour of each other and our 88 yr old mother who lives alone in her flat in a warden supported retirement block. Lived there 3.5 years, dementia diagnosed nearly 4 years ago, but she is happy/positive and can still do all tasks for self-care/living, but supported by schedule of daily/hourly phone prompts.

Had her first fall 3 months ago and spent 7 weeks in hospital, a couple of weeks in half-way house, and now back home with social services care calls a couple of times a day to help with tasks following rehab of broken wrist.

Your post covers many subjects but is titled about selling/moving home as a massive life mistake. I'm not so sure it was. You mentioned some other stuff about the area of your flat going downhill - would you have reached a lifestage, regardless of your mum's situation, where you wanted to move anyway? Is it possible you would have, but you have moved somewhere dictated by your mum. If your mum was not alive, would your new flat and locale be disastrous?

It seems clearer that you have some [relationship] issues with your mum, and that these issues are causing you angst and maybe spilling into your other assessments on the property decisions.

It's not clear if you moved closer for practical purposes just to make it better each time there is a hospital stay (I know how difficult that is from recent experience and there were 2 of us sharing the visit load), or that it was the plan to up your care and make semi-regular visits (weekly) for duty/social purposes, or whether you were being prepared to step up to become part of a regular care plan (didn't sound that way, but it wasn't explicit either way).

I have no issue with the dispassionate way you describe your relationship with your mum, and your implied resentment. Our mum is wonderful, mentally and emotionally strong and positive, but things can be difficult (the hospital stay of the last 3 months) or even routinely on a daily/weekly basis, and there are 3 of us sharing the emotional/phone_call/visiting load at home. I don't always enjoy spending time with my mum (and she is wonderful), sometimes it feels laborious, or just dutiful, or stops me being elsewhere.

One discussion we have had with our mum repetitively over the last year or more, with regard to resisting carers (we use a local council phone service to do some of the daily phone calls, and now actual physical carers post hospital) is that the carers aren't there just for her, sometimes they are there additionally or even exclusively for someone else and their piece of mind. We are currently soon about to drop/lose the post hospital carers and I think we are more nervous about that than our mum. Having care is a potential legitimate course of action even it is solely for you.

Sorry no real answers, but just wanted to let you know that I read your post a couple of times and acknowledge it sounds pretty hard. Several issues though, and maybe small separate actions/solutions can help.

Sending best wishes
BigB

[CliffEdge]

What does your sister do to help?

[Sunnypad]

Redsturgeon - you are absolutely right, I'm not in a fit state to do anything

BigB - thank you for your kindness and understanding

CliffEdge - almost nothing but I am starting to feel she did the right thing as this could go on for years.

Well, i have pulled out of the sale of my flat. I am going home, where I know things are well run instead of this madhouse. The buyer will be devastated as it will appear last minute to him, but I can't do anything about that. It may all be terrible karma, but trying to do the right thing by others has got me nowhere.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. I was fixated on the lost money but I've been unhappy since moving in April. So this will be a good start. The money can be recovered in some way, these tiny one beds are renting for £1775 so when I can get myself together, that's a start.

[Bminusrob]

Sunnypad, my thoughts are with you. Clearly, your mother's situation, and her refusal to accept help is damaging your health. I can't remember the contents of your older posts, but my question would be "What are social services doing?" Social service exist for exactly this type of case. They should allocate a case worker to you rmother, and you should be able to talk directly to the case worker. I hope getting social service involved, and doing their job properly will help both you and your mother.

Good luck.

[Sunnypad]

Sunnypad, my thoughts are with you. Clearly, your mother's situation, and her refusal to accept help is damaging your health. I can't remember the contents of your older posts, but my question would be "What are social services doing?" Social service exist for exactly this type of case. They should allocate a case worker to you rmother, and you should be able to talk directly to the case worker. I hope getting social service involved, and doing their job properly will help both you and your mother.

Good luck.

Thank you

I did that

All parties have agreed that she is fine, fully compos mentis etc

One thing about having had the carers is that next time she has a fall or a dizzy spell, if it turns out not to be serious, they hopefully have her on the radar to get care in quickly - it's all private anyway.

It was the social worker who persuaded her to get a key safe fitted as well, I have explained for years that if she didn't have one, she'd be in hospital and I'd be dealing with a broken door as well.

She is obviously unhappy at my decision to go home but it underlines that I cannot and will not provide care.

If all parties are in agreement, they can't complain if I'm not nearby to help.

[didds]

[
If all parties are in agreement, they can't complain if I'm not nearby to help.

and this is all relative (if you'll pardon the pun).

Whilst accepting generally that families have a huge part to play in support of their family members, nonetheless it has to be tempered by it being =feasible. if not where and how can any line be drawn ./.. if you lived in Australia would there be any expectation on you from such bodies to be involved? In France? In Scotland? 200 miles away? 100? 50? 25 on terribly slow/full roads ? Those that are unable for whatever reason to drive and are dependant on public transport? Shift workers?

FWIW I agree you are now doing the right thing SP. All power to your elbow.

[MrFoolish]

I think you have to put own mental wellbeing first, especially as this has been dragging on for years, and may continue to do so.

You've decided to move back home. Good, there's one big decision done and dusted.

Would your mother consider moving to be closer to you? If not, then she'll just have to accept there are limits to what more you can do. Social services and care homes exist for a reason. Not all of us are cut out to be carers - I couldn't do it myself.

Take care.

[CliffEdge]

Why does she need your care?

[Sunnypad]

I haven't been back to the thread because after pulling out of the sale, I was then told the buyer was ready to exchange.

I cannot begin to describe what the last 24 hours have been like. I know it's because I'm already unwell, but honestly, even my bones hurt from the stress.

I'm going for a walk and then going back to bed. Will update when I know more.

Thanks so much to the understanding folk of Lemonfool. Even someone affirming that it's reasonable for me to miss my "stuff" is so helpful. In real life, all I hear is "you have to do what's best for your mother" and "well I manage care of parents, full time work, children, why can't you".

People seem to think depression is a modern fad and you just pop a Prozac and you're all good for the day.