Silly season is back

[MonsterMork]

with a vengeance. To whit:

Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, should the rear view mirror be capable of seeing the vehicle behind you. It must, repeat, MUST, be pointed directly at your sqwawking spawn of satan offspring in the rear seats. *

You are only allowed to use tyres that Lewis Hamilton has finished with. Having the cords and plies hanging out is a bonus as they help the tyre hold the road better -it is like having sandpaper fitted to your wheels, guaranteed to grip like baby squit to a blanket.

If Lewis's tyres are not available in a size for your 4x4 that only goes off-road in the car park at Waitrose you must get a set of second hand ones rather than go to the expense of buying new. If you are really lucky you will be able to score the "deal of the week" bargain basement ones with the special bulge in the sidewall.

Air in tyres is an optional extra which is only factory fitted and cannot be replaced.

Windscreen washer fluid ditto.

Don't worry about that flappy end on your windscreen wiper blades, it will fall off once the windscreen has a nice swipe mark etched deep into the glass.

The front left tyre is your parking tyre. Use it to gauge how close you are to the kerb by ramming your tyre at it repeatedly so that you rub the sidewalls off and bend your wheel.

Locking wheel nuts are no longer required, after all the modern yoof no longer nick wheels. Just removed the wheel nut and don't replace it with anything at all. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, a wheel fall off? Pah!

The only place you are allowed to fit your 10 inch tablet with it's SatNav app is directly in the middle of the windscreen in front of the steering wheel.

If the ash tray is full please use the floor. If the floor is also full, and the driver is unable to reach the drivers window (which opens and closes perfectly well) then the dashboard in front of the instrument panel is acceptable as a repository for your fag ash.

Those new-fangled modern silent brake pads should be avoided as they prevent blind people from hearing you stand on the anchors at the pedestrian crossing. Friction material on brake pads is so last week. Your brakes should scream like a banshee so that everyone within half a mile knows you are slowing down.

Brake lights are for sissies, and for deaf people who can't hear that you are slowing down.

Headlamp bulbs are only allowed to be fitted upside down by untrained monkeys in large retail barns. After all, who needs a headlamp beam patterm that shows you where you are going at night when you can have a vaguely white splodge that finishes five feet from your front bumper.

Rear seat belts are only supposed to be used by your sqwawking spawn of satan offspring to check how sharp their knives are, not for the safety of passengers.

Suspension is for people with money. The rest of us need to prove to world how skint we are by having suspension so broken that one corner of the car lists like a drunk on the Titanic.

Your engine is in such a prefect state of tune that there is no way the bloke in the garage has got carbon monoxide poisoning from your car. After all, you only had it serviced five years and fourty thousand miles ago.


I will leave it to the board to discuss the above, and to determine what one thing all these vehicles have in common, other than they were all presented for an MoT in said condition.

MoTMork


* please note: rear view mirror not pointing to the outside world is not actually an mot fail, this is just used as an example of what I see on a daily basis

[Breelander]

...I will leave it to the board to discuss the above, and to determine what one thing all these vehicles have in common....

Perhaps it's that they all need one component replacing as a matter of urgency - the nut that holds the steering wheel?

[MonsterMork]

Perhaps it's that they all need one component replacing as a matter of urgency - the nut that holds the steering wheel?

In the case of one of the above you ain't so far from the truth

Keep guessing ...

[DrFfybes]

Hmm, tough call. so many choices...

They're all owned by Yoofs.

They're all mockroaders?

They're all Vauxhalll Corsas?

However my favourite is "They are all being presented at the end of the 6 month extension"?

Paul

[richlist]

...I will leave it to the board to discuss the above, and to determine what one thing all these vehicles have in common....

Perhaps it's that they all need one component replacing as a matter of urgency - the nut that holds the steering wheel?

Would it be that they are all MOT failures ?

When i took my Mercedes in for a service & MOT a couple of years back the garage phoned me to say the service had been completed and the car had passed. However, during the service they had noticed that 3 wheel studs were missing. What? said i......how the he'll is that possible. Then it dawned on me as to why this might have happened. A few weeks before I had the cars silver wheels powder coated in black. They completed it all in one day but it was a bit of a rush and the wheel rims were still quite hot from the baking process. I suspect that when the wheel cooled the torque on the studs eased and I lost a few studs. When the wheels were silver it was easy to see the black studs ......now they are black it's not so easy.

[kiloran]

I will leave it to the board to discuss the above, and to determine what one thing all these vehicles have in common, other than they were all presented for an MoT in said condition.

MoTMork

You passed them?

--kiloran

[MonsterMork]

Nope, not the right answers so far, but they did indeed all fail as above except for the fag ash one (failed on summat else instead, although strictly speaking I suppose I could have refused to test). Some were on extension, others normal, so no clues there, although DrF is correct with one of them being a Corsa, gassing me like a freshly hatched male chicken

The one thing they all have in common is summat which really boils my widdle when the car is in a really shonky state. Keep guessing folks, I need a good laugh after the last couple of weeks here

MM

[bungeejumper]

Illegal headlamp conversions? Illegally-tinted windows? Drum 'n bass sound systems that make the shop windows shake as they cruise past with all the windows down? Mis-matched tyre types? All of those at once?

Oh, how I miss High Wycombe.

BJ

[Breelander]

They were all being presented for their first MoT?

[richlist]

Child seats fitted ?

[marronier]

Isn't the silly season with us all the time?

I live on a service road that joins the lane to the right ( like a slip road to a motorway ) and I've noticed several drivers ( one today ) who signal left when joining to their right. Many years ago, I was helping a learner driver get some practice and at the end ,he pulled up to the kerb with the right trafficator on . I asked why and he replied that that signalled the side to pass on !

Another acquaintance always drew away in 2nd gear , heavily slipping the clutch. I inquired why not use 1st to pull away and the reply was that 1st gear was only for hill starts. Ever since , I've wondered why they call it 2nd gear if you are intended to use it as the 1st gear.

[DrFfybes]

one of them being a Corsa, gassing me like a freshly hatched male chicken
MM

Am I the only one who spent quite a while wondering why freshly hatched male chickens would routinely gas MM?

[robbelg]

Child seats fitted ?

I was going to say that.

Rob

[jfgw]

MOT three weeks (or more) overdue?


Juilan F. G. W.

[jfgw]

Spawn of satan offspring accidently left in back seat by absent-minded mother?

Julian F. G. W.

[MonsterMork]

Spawn of satan offspring accidently left in back seat by absent-minded mother?

Julian F. G. W.

Not happened to me yet, although I did have one owner leave his dog in the back. Gert big huge ginormous alsatian. Thankfully it was a soppy one that had met me a couple of times previously so wasn't overly worried when I jumped into the car unannounced! Damn near browned meself when its slobbery shaggy head appeared over my shoulder mid test

[MonsterMork]

And the winners of this weeks coconut shy are Richlist and robbelg.

Yup, each of the aforementioned deathly failures had kiddie seats in the back.

MM

[Mike4]

And the winners of this weeks coconut shy are Richlist and robbelg.

Yup, each of the aforementioned deathly failures had kiddie seats in the back.

MM

I'm not convinced no washer fluid makes it a death trap! (Your second item.)

When I started driving windscreen washers were the sort of thing you bought as an accessory in Halfords.