Donate to Remove ads

Got a credit card? use our Credit Card & Finance Calculators

Thanks to johnstevens77,Bhoddhisatva,scotia,Anonymous,Cornytiv34, for Donating to support the site

The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

Reviews, favourites and suggestions
NapoleonD
2 Lemon pips
Posts: 173
Joined: November 6th, 2016, 8:57 am
Has thanked: 68 times
Been thanked: 67 times

The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471813

Postby NapoleonD » January 10th, 2022, 5:10 pm

I know other fools previously wrote reviews of this now absurd show, so here I am, filling in ther blanks. Not suer if I'll have the time to create another Opus like this one...


So, another year, another meeting of the Dunning-Kruger club. That's right, it's The Return of the Same Tedious Old [expletive deleted], ahem, The Apprentice.

Starring:

M'Lud (Lord Sugar)
La Bradey() Karen Bradey)
Tim Campbell
16 nitwits

There's a line up change. Claude apparently is no longer with us. No, sadly he has not finally snapped and been found garrotting candidates in a broom cupboard, he's apparently fallen off an electric bike. Probably one made by M'Lud, as I can't think of anything else he's made since the year 2000. Claude has been replaced by Tim Campbell, the Season 1 winner, back when the show attracted some measure of talent and a position with M'Lud, as opposed to the £250k bung he throws your way these days - presumably to get rid of you.

The Boardroom. They all assemble, like The Avengers gone wrong. Cue the pep talk by M'Lud. Pandemic bad. But we see green shoots. Money to be made. But I'm not soft. Not me. Started life.....yawn. No furlough here, just a firing. Squad. Everyone giggles politely with M'Lud's terrible jokes. Covid jokes - a £250k shot in yer arm if you win. M'Lud introduces the morons, ahem, contestants. Prepare to lose the will to live.

Navid. He has stolen your grandad's glasses for a start. Gurns his way through the intro (and the rest of the episode). Believes people visit his Pharmacy because of his personality, which he appears to have left at home. He's a Nikki Minaj superfan, so from now on will be known as Bellend.

Shama. Runs a day nursery. Mother of 5 boys. You get the impression she's here for a bit of peace and quiet. She'll be guaranteed lots of that if she takes a break inside Bellend’s head.

Arron. Was in the RAF. Was also a milkman. He's been all around the world, though it's not clear whether this was in the RAF, or on a milk round. Instant conclusion is no-one knows why he's here.

Amy. American. Sang the jingles for Burger King. And McDonalds. And Coca-Cola. Instantly unlikable.

Akshay. One to watch. 'Friends' call him AK47, which probably isn't a compliment. An AK47: a reliable weapon created for ignorant half-wits. Well, he's half-way to his nickname I suppose.

Err - that's it. The other 11 candidates don't get a mention AT ALL. Clearly M'Lud should just fire them now and save us 11 weeks of holding our heads in our hands while shouting 'CRETIN! CRETIN!' at the TV.

*THE TASK*

What will it be? Create a new vaccine - there's money in that? Organise a PPE bung for non-existent equipment? Nah, way too easy, so...
"Cruises! Loadsamoney in cruises. Prior to the pandemic, this was worth £100 billion /yr. Make up the shortfall.". It soon becomes apparent this is....THE ADVERTISING GAME. This generally showcases the candidates lack of creativity, their absence of common sense, their misplaced belief in their own capabilities, and my word, this year they do not disappoint.

M'Lud gives them the tasks:
Create a Brand!
Create an advert!
Create a Social Media "Tease"! No, me neither. Don't worry, it won't be the first term you come across in this episode that will have you wondering if English is your first language. I also suspect that M'Lud's and the candidates' idea of a "tease" and my idea of a "tease" are very different. Mine is likely to go viral. And get me divorced. And possibly arrested.
Industry EXPERTS will be pitched to with the brand, advert and campaign, but M'Lud knows a thing or two about advertising having been around the block, when he first started…., so he will decide the winners/losers. Which makes you wonder why bother with experts...

Or course, they all need a ship to be the base for their operations, and M'Lud has the perfect ship and location in mind. Nothing conjures up the image of a luxury cruise in the sun on turquoise seas more than a damp weekend in Portsmouth on an empty Virgin Cruiseliner, so off they are dispatched to the Channel coast for 2 days of infighting, ahem, planning.

Oh! we get introduced to another couple of contestants.

Brittney! Works in hospitality! She can lead! She can Pitch! She can Sell! She can be fired!
Alex. Owns a Commercial Cleaning Company. I worked for a Commercial Cleaning Company for 5 years, it was such a wonderful experience that after writing this I'll be researching how to send Alex anthrax through the post.

Time to select the team captains of the stunningly original Boys team and Girls team. To be fair, you can't really make inappropriate gender specific observations of the two teams, populated as they are by utter twats.

The Boys go first. The question is asked "does anyone know about this?". The Karen is horrified when everyone takes a giant step backwards - clearly they've seen what happens to the initial losing PM. Hold on. We have an idiot, ahem, volunteer. Yes, it's....AK47! He apparently "knows stuff".

The Girls, somehow, without a show of hands, a nomination or anything reflecting any kind of process, have Katherine declared by the presenter as the PM. Apparently she used to sell cruises. Presumably at a travel agent before they all went online. She's a "Sleepware Supremo".

She sells pyjamas.

Katherine says - target market is 25 - 45, singles. The kind of people with no hope of ever paying off student loans, obtaining mortgages or leaving their zero-hours contracts. They could do with a cruise out of Portsmouth and round the Isle of Wight to compound their misery I suppose. One contestant with the hideously annoying name "Francesca Kennedy Wallbank" opines that folk over 45 have more disposable income (Francesca Kennedy Wallbank hasn't met me). Katherine clearly takes an immediate dislike to Francesca Kennedy Wallbank, and proceeds to sideline her through the rest of the episode. By the way, Francesca Kennedy Wallbank runs a "sustainability company". No, me neither. Katherine, filled with the fervour of the true believer, declares - no, not oldies or crusties! "I want to re-define cruising!". There is no vote in the girls team, none of this collaborative bullshit, just do what I say. Through my fake lips. The girls need a name. Someone suggests Diamond Cruises. Too bland, says Katherine. No, she has it. Boozy Cruises (now we're talking). No, not 'boozy' - 'booshy'. Eh? I had to rewind a couple of times to hear it. Bouji Cruises. 'Bouji' apparently. No, me neither. And it transpires I am not alone in my ignorance of the term ‘Bouji’. I await enlightenment.

The boys swing the other way. They are targeting the oldies. With a message of Luxury! Health! Wellbeing! AK47's Three Pillars! One non-believer suggests going for young families with kids - what are people aged 45+ going to do on a boat for 7 days? In my experience they will eat every single thing at the buffet, drink the bars dry having a hoot all while trying to avoid legionnaires and icebergs. A sub team victim, err, manager is selected to design the logo - enter Akeem. He is unhappily happy to do it. And good Lord above, he doesn't disappoint....
The boys can't decide on a name for the company. Spirit of the Sea! No. Mindful Ship (who are these people???). They need a mindful, nautical word. Ah, brilliance shines through....they settle on 'Neverending Nautical'. Someone's taking the piss surely.

Cue endless squabbling on the advert shoots, the logo designs and the "tease". The Boys settle on a logo that looks like a man, doing a press up, morphing into a turd that is being hit by an invisible truck - see below if you don't believe me. One person, Harry, opines it literally looks like sh*t. He is later rewarded for his astute observation.

The Girls. Colours. Orange? No, Says Katherine, we want blue, because blue is Bouji. The only thing I know about Bouji at the moment is it involves being blue. My mind wanders. Is hypothermia Bouji? Katherine is now known as Bouji. As annoying as The Girls are, they are light years ahead of The Boys, with their man-turd logo: a logo the team lead, and his assorted muppets, have forgotten to add the company name to. It's probably a blessing to not be associated with a splattered turd though.

Brittney wants to take over the director's role of the advert. She seriously compares herself to Spielberg. Amy, the director, ignores her. I'm warming to Amy, she clearly knows a clown when she sees one. AK47 is taken to task for spitting instructions at random targets like bullets from....yeah, you get the idea. He takes the criticism on board by ignoring it. Akeem doesn't seem to like Harry, on account of Harry pointing out the [expletive deleted] logo. Frequently.

Bouji (the name) is not going down well. Bouji (the person) seems genuinely shocked that no-one outside her tanning salon circle knows this word. I do some research. Urban Dictionary suggests that Bouji(the person) has no idea what Bouji(the word) means. In fact, Bouji (the word) is the last thing you want to have your cruise line associated with:

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bouji

Tim, every time the camera lands on him, wonders what happened to his life. How did he, M'Lud's Prime Apprentice, end up here, in eejit central?

*THE PRESENTATIONS*
Bouji (the person) is in the pitch. Absolutely. This is probably just as well, as Bouji is the only person who understands Bouji. Or at least her interpretation of it. She selects Amy. Francesca Kennedy Wallbank opines that she frequently delivers presentations, fields Q+As, but Bouji (the person) immediately dismisses her in favour of the hitherto unremarkable Stephanie, who blindsides everyone with her declaration that "I might be good in the consumer-feedback-kind-of-thing". Bouji (the person) is all over Stephanie like flies on a jobbie as she clearly values vague idiocy over presumed competence.

AK47 fires off. He's doing the presentations. You, you and you are with me. None of this collaborative bullshit / 360 feedback nonsense for the AK47. I'm starting to see why he's called AK47. It's definitely not a compliment.

Bouji (the person and the entity formally known as WTF) present. It's predictably awful. The EXPERTS look like they have dysentery and are aware all the toilets are full. Stephanie, the Prime Presenter, says just 4 words at the end "Any Q and As?" before disappearing forever. You'll never guess what the first question was....

"What does Bouji mean?".

Bouji (the person) is shellshocked. Very shellshocked, because she comes off the stage to the remaining team and declares "I think that went very well". Clearly her fake hair, fake nails, fake lips, fake cheeks compliment her fake brain. Her team mates break her legs and give her a punishment beating. Verbally. It goes over Bouji's head as the feedback is not Bouji.

The Girls' presentation, awful though is, is Ricky Gervais hosting the Oscars compared to The Boys. The jobbie appears on screen. Akeem struggles to justify his very public turd. He moves swiftly on to "the tease". The EXPERTS don't immediately hate it. The advert is derided as unoriginal, safe, boring. AK47's 3 Pillars are nowhere to be seen. Must be hidden behind the morphing jobbie. At the Q+A, the first question surrounds the jobbie - the jobbie has no name. You can tell M'Lud isn't going to like this. Akeem waffles. Bellend waffles about brown roots and green leaves. No pal, no amount of horticultural gaslighting is going to stop anyone seeing a large turd doing press-ups.

It's over. If M'Lud had any sense, he'd fire both PMs. And their teams. We won't be so lucky though.

*THE BOARDROOM*
Bouji (the person and the entity) is up first. You'll never guess M'Lud's 1st question....
"What does Bouji mean?"
The girls squabble. Clearly most are unimpressed with Bouji (the person, the entity and the word - still no-one knows what it means).
He's clearly unimpressed, but he's holding fire. He must be aware of what The Boys, esp Akeem, has prepared for him.

Over to AK47. His vision, the 3 pillars....the logo appears.
"What the f___ is that??" M'Lud screams inside his head. He politely enquires if he should call DynaRod.
Akeem tries to rewrite history. By implying it was nothing to do with him, and no-one said it looked awful. Harry *AGAIN* says he's always said it looked like Richard the Turd.....
The Ad passes without comment. The tease passes without comment. Ha, only joking. M'Lud calls it crap. An ill wind is blowing for The Boys. The atmosphere is not....Bouji. Possibly.

*THE VERDICT*
The Girls were the least worst option - according to THE EXPERTS, not M'Lud who suddenly decides he cannot adjudicate between 2 bands of morons afterall. The Girls get to go back to the house to enjoy a champagne reception, which consists of one bottle of bubbly they open and pour themselves. I've seen better service, and atmosphere, at a wake.

The Boys are dispatched to the cafe. They bicker. AK47 isn't for swallowing the poison alone, so he takes the responsible parties in - Akeem for designing a logo that looks like a [expletive deleted] with no company name, and Harry for consistently pointing out the logo looks like a [expletive deleted] and has no name.

The three of them are in the Conference Room. M'Lud is unimpressed. He knows about advertising he does, having started selling shoes out the back of......anyway. He sends them out while he talks [expletive deleted] to The Karen and TimGetMeOutOfHere as he firms up the decision he made when the candidates submitted their business plans at the start of 2021.

The three are summoned back. Clearly the logo looking like an exercising turd is unforgivable, so Akeem is toast. Except, there is only one thing worse that producing a logo that looks like an exercising turd, and that is pointing out how [expletive deleted] it is, how awful it is, so Harry is fired instead. Akeem’s face says it all, he can't believe it, he's been bouncing on a landmine for 2 days with no impact. So, either Akeem's business plan is red hot (he's a strategy manager for a financial firm, so that's unlikely), or Harry's is god awful (he makes bath bombs). You decide.


The Advert. Prepare yourself.
https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/ ... 42ab7e1b00

pje16
Lemon Half
Posts: 6050
Joined: May 30th, 2021, 6:01 pm
Has thanked: 1843 times
Been thanked: 2066 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471830

Postby pje16 » January 10th, 2022, 6:23 pm

a great write up
give it 2 or 2 weeks and we'll soon identify the bigheads, twits and contenders

doug2500
Lemon Slice
Posts: 655
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:51 am
Has thanked: 286 times
Been thanked: 245 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471831

Postby doug2500 » January 10th, 2022, 6:24 pm

Great review. I gave up watching a couple of years ago but still read any review posted here!

As said I've not seen it but....it seems very unfair to be fired for pointing out that logo's crap! Sounds like he might have been the sensible one?

pje16
Lemon Half
Posts: 6050
Joined: May 30th, 2021, 6:01 pm
Has thanked: 1843 times
Been thanked: 2066 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471836

Postby pje16 » January 10th, 2022, 7:00 pm

not being funny, and as you say you didn't see it
but a 10 year-old would have done a better logo

terminal7
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1916
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 6:26 pm
Has thanked: 225 times
Been thanked: 686 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471838

Postby terminal7 » January 10th, 2022, 7:03 pm

pje16 wrote:a great write up
give it 2 or 2 weeks and we'll soon identify the bigheads, twits and contenders


You're fired!

T7

Harry obviously got fired (sorry son) by getting his suit, tie and shirt from Petticoat Lane market

doug2500
Lemon Slice
Posts: 655
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:51 am
Has thanked: 286 times
Been thanked: 245 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#471847

Postby doug2500 » January 10th, 2022, 7:29 pm

pje16 wrote:not being funny, and as you say you didn't see it
but a 10 year-old would have done a better logo


I followed the link so I saw the logo. Hard to believe someone got fired for not liking it!

Arborbridge
The full Lemon
Posts: 10364
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 9:33 am
Has thanked: 3598 times
Been thanked: 5226 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#472143

Postby Arborbridge » January 11th, 2022, 6:01 pm

Excellent write up, NapoleonD.

Like you, I checked what Bouji means, and it certainly does not mean anything helpful to their cruise campaign. I thought youngsters were meant to be a dab hand at finding out stuff on the internet? They all have expensive looking phones, but no one had the wit to find out what their brand name meant? What a load of twits.

Usually, I do not follow the early stagesas it is such a long stretch until the final - but maybe I will get drawn in. We will see what else I have to catch up on instead.

Arb.

Mike4
Lemon Half
Posts: 7084
Joined: November 24th, 2016, 3:29 am
Has thanked: 1637 times
Been thanked: 3791 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#472154

Postby Mike4 » January 11th, 2022, 6:30 pm

I can't help but think the programme is a knowing parody of itself nowadays. They choose the teams with the greatest potential to have the audience shouting at the telly "YOU IDIOTS" and feeling they could do better themselves, if only they'd been given the chance.

Can't help wondering why the girls dropped the "Diamond" theme idea though. They could have called their ship something original like the "Diamond Princess". That would be a good fun name for a cruise ship....

Dod101
The full Lemon
Posts: 16629
Joined: October 10th, 2017, 11:33 am
Has thanked: 4343 times
Been thanked: 7534 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#472208

Postby Dod101 » January 11th, 2022, 9:00 pm

Thanks for the write up. I watched the episode but I am not sure I will bother with any more. It is no longer amusing or in the least interesting sadly. I used to quite like it but………

Dod

Mike4
Lemon Half
Posts: 7084
Joined: November 24th, 2016, 3:29 am
Has thanked: 1637 times
Been thanked: 3791 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#472215

Postby Mike4 » January 11th, 2022, 9:28 pm

Dod101 wrote:Thanks for the write up. I watched the episode but I am not sure I will bother with any more. It is no longer amusing or in the least interesting sadly. I used to quite like it but………

Dod


I watched an episode about five years ago when I last had a telly license. I was horrified at how crass it had become even then, and how all the young competitors played to the camera and acted out clichés of how they thought "titans of industry" behaved.

Gawd knows what it must be like now! A terrible shame as back in the beginning I used to think it was pretty good telly.

Arborbridge
The full Lemon
Posts: 10364
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 9:33 am
Has thanked: 3598 times
Been thanked: 5226 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#472294

Postby Arborbridge » January 12th, 2022, 9:21 am

Mike4 wrote:I can't help but think the programme is a knowing parody of itself nowadays. They choose the teams with the greatest potential to have the audience shouting at the telly "YOU IDIOTS" and feeling they could do better themselves, if only they'd been given the chance.

Can't help wondering why the girls dropped the "Diamond" theme idea though. They could have called their ship something original like the "Diamond Princess". That would be a good fun name for a cruise ship....


They have always chosen teams which have within them the seeds of controversy: the producers believe it makes good TV.

Like all such shows, in the end they become formulaic and outlive their natural attraction by several series.
I still dip into Dragon's Den too, and Strictly still manages to raise a smile. In a way, such series have become a way of marking the seasons, akin the the Boat Race, Aintree, FA Cup final, Wimbledon, Last night of the Proms.....

But not as bad a Mr Selfridge or "Lost" which promise to tell a story with a beginning middle and end, but then just con you into watching endless inventions to keep you on the hook. At least with a "soap" there is some integrity and you know it will go on as long as it attracts viewers: the format does not give false promise.

Arb.

modellingman
Lemon Slice
Posts: 614
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 3:46 pm
Has thanked: 594 times
Been thanked: 364 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#475074

Postby modellingman » January 21st, 2022, 2:10 pm

Many thanks to NapoleonD for a brilliant and very funny write up. I have just watched on catch up and came straight here to see if there was the usual wry report. I was not disappointed.

Both teams were pretty awful. But the girls did at least manage to go viral according to that reliable source, Mailplus. I'm not sure if M´lud made the right choice about the firee, but the other two did, as he put it, "get away with murder" so I think his £250,000 is probably safe from them.

Who'll end up winning, who knows? A couple of the girls (Francesca and Shama) would be my ones to watch possibly along with Conor. But I'm writing this having only seen the first episode, so you could all well be sniggering they've already been fired in Episodes 2 and 3, which I shall be watching soon.

terminal7
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1916
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 6:26 pm
Has thanked: 225 times
Been thanked: 686 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 1: Boozy? Booty? Bouji??

#475108

Postby terminal7 » January 21st, 2022, 3:32 pm

sniggering

T7

modellingman
Lemon Slice
Posts: 614
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 3:46 pm
Has thanked: 594 times
Been thanked: 364 times

Re: The Apprentice, Season 16, Episode 2: its a toothbrush, M´lud just not as we know it

#475238

Postby modellingman » January 21st, 2022, 11:20 pm

modellingman wishes he'd wrote:Who'll end up winning, who knows? A couple of the girls (Francesca and Shama) would be my ones to watch. But I'm writing this having only seen the first episode, so you could all well be sniggering they've already been fired in Episodes 2 and 3, which I shall be watching soon.


Having just watched episode 2, Francesca seems to have attended the same school of my-way-or-my-way project management as Katherine. Francesca's backside was well and truly pulled out of the fire by the "design" "team" ignoring her instructions, though the hands-up bit at the start of the presentations was a good attempt at engagement and paid off (aka did not backfire). As for the boys, it will be interesting to see in Episode 3 if Nick, annointed as the next PM by the good lord and who obviously self harms his hair, is anything more than good(?) at counting beans. I suspect not.

Snigger on.


Return to “Music, Theatre, TV and Film”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests