Strictly - it's back!

[zico]

Back with my Strictly write-ups, which have been thrown out of kilter this year by a regular Saturday night Zoom meeting, but I'm catching up with them now.

Strictly returns for a welcome beacon of light and escapism in what has been a pretty rotten 2020 so huge congrats to the BBC for putting it on in the midst of a pandemic. They’ve put in all sorts of covid precautions, including dispensing with the studio audience, creating “bubbles” for the professional dancers in a Strictly Bubble hideaway hotel, and pre-recording all the group dances. They’ve also stipulated that the celebs can only have physical contact with their professional partners, and not with their real partners (though this hasn’t been that much of a restriction for some celebs of yesteryear). In the circumstances it’s not too surprising that this year’s Strictly candidates are even less famous than normal, I only recognise Jacqui Smith (Former Home Secretary), Caroline Quentin and .. well that’s it.


There’s a launch show, where all the celebs are paired with the very pro dancer that they secretly hoped to get. What are the chances of that happening? Well, since you ask, 8,900 billion to one against. Celebs have a group dance where each couple stays in their own bit of the floor. Jacqui Smith looks hopeless, but Caroline looks OK.

First Dance night

Strictly proper starts tonight with the judges giving their views and scores, where Craig will make mean, but accurate, comments and give honest, but low scores. Claudia is wearing her mum’s polka-dot prom dress, Tess is dressed in a one-shoulder, slinky black plastic trouser-suit with huge flares and Craig has a houndstooth jacket which makes him look like a 1950’s American used-car salesman. Motsi is just wearing a very large bathrobe.

Jamie & Karen (Cha-cha). Jamie is actually the first-ever contestant to appear in successive years as a contestant. Last time he was paired with Oti, managed to break his ankle in the first group dance, and Kelvin from Emmerdale replaced him and won the competition. I'm sure Jamie's not bitter about this, largely because I expect Jamie will have forgotten all about it. Jamie is cheerful and enthusiastic, but when it comes to actual dancing he's not much cop in a very tight white suit for what seems to be a Disco Cha-Cha. Shirley mentions the need for a bit of technique while Craig says he was flat-footed. 4,5,5 for 14 points.

Caroline & Johannes (American Smooth). Caroline used to do ballet as a child and it shows in this dance. She’s quite decent, if a bit stately. Johannes is showing off to us all rather than partnering Caroline. At the end Caroline bursts into tears and assures us they are happy tears. Craig praises her musicality and says he loved it, while Shirley says it was exquisite. 7,7,7 for 21 points.

Max & Diane (Tango). Max is from boy-band The Wanted, yet is surprisingly terrified about appearing in public. He’s clearly very nervous but doesn't actually mess it up. Judges tell him not to be nervous and just get on with it. 6,5,6 for 17 points.

Clara & Aljaz (Cha-cha). For this year, the pros have decided that “Cha-Cha” means “Disco”. Clara is quite good at disco moves, with a relaxed dancing style and a fair bit of cheerful personality. Enjoyed that. Judges get a bit huffy about lack of cha-cha, and Craig calls it stompy. She gets a video message of support from the superstar Dua Lipa. 5,6,7 for 18 points, which seems a touch harsh.

Jacqui & Anton (Foxtrot). In rehearsals, Jacqui tells us she has no previous dance experience, so we’re not expecting much, and we certainly don’t get much. At least she tried. The judges are left to praise her bravery in giving it a go, and praise her for being a better dancer than Theresa May. Personally, I’d rather she swapped places with Priti Patel, because neither could probably do any worse a job in their respective roles. A harsh but fair 3 from Craig and two fives give 13 points for Jacqui.

JJ Chalmers & Amy (Waltz). JJ is an ex-royal Marine who had serious arm injuries from an IED back in 2011. Rehearsals feature him telling Amy lots of stories about Marines while her professional smile is sorely tested. He does a dull waltz. Not sure why he’s signed up for the show because he doesn’t seem to be having any fun at all. Craig calls his dance “restrained” while Shirley says it was magnificent and he has a beautiful smile. 6,6,7 for 19 points.

Maisie & Gorka (Samba). 19-year old Maisie has been a child star in East Enders since birth, and has also been taking dance lessons in every other waking moment to judge from her first dance. She gives the samba plenty of Essex welly and attitude. Perhaps not the most elegant, but bags of energy. Shirley says she’s absolutely fabulous, and Craig gives us the first a-ma-zing of the series. 3 8’s for 24 points.

Jason & Luba (American Smooth). Jason is an ex-American Footballer, whose main claim to fame is that he never ever stops smiling. He’s very much an EVERYTHING IS AWESOME kind of guy and he tells us he’s having SO MUCH FUN. I’m expecting him to be really good but he’s a big let-down. This is just all-right I suppose. He tells Claudia it was JUST AMAZING. 4,6,6 for 16 points.

Ranvir & Giovanni (Paso). This is a proper dramatic paso with red costumes and Ranvir is pretty good at dramatic stuff. She’s a really good performer. Enjoyed that a lot. Craig and Shirley are also happy. 7,7,7 for 21 points – I thought she’d have got higher scores than that. Giovanni has changed his hairstyle in the hope of being mistaken for Man Utd's Bruno Fernandes.

Nicola & Katya (Quickstep). Bit of history being made here with the first ever same-sex Strictly partnership. This routine is bright and lively and looks a complicated routine to me. Nicola seems to do pretty well, and is clearly fit enough to keep up the pace here. 7,7,7 for 21 points.

Bill Bailey & Oti (Cha-cha). I have seen Bill before, but confused him with the other mostly bald comedian with long hair, but that guy’s 4’ 6” and Bill is almost Oti’s height. Obviously I’m mainly watching Oti’s performance, but out of the corner of my eye, Bill doesn’t seem to be doing too badly, though his posture isn't great. A harsh 3 from Craig, but 2 6’s from Shirley and Motsi give 15 points for Bill.

HRVY & Janette (Jive). HRVY was actually christened Harvey, but decided he’d get more YouTube likes by changing his name to HRVY (fewer key strokes for his devoted followers perhaps?). HRVY still pronounces his name like Harvey. One of our contestants has already contracted Covid, and yes, it was HRVY. His jive is really sharp and lively, and he looks to be a good performer too. Craig says it was spectacular, and Motsi says she’s seen versions of Strictly all over the world and it’s the best first dance she’s ever seen from a celeb. 8,8,9 for 25 points.

HRVY tops the leaderboard and Jacqui is last on 13 points. Most celebs are disappointingly (for me) competent, so nobody is going to have a real Journey this time. Unless of course Jacqui has a complete transformation and personally I wouldn’t bet the house on that.