Edinburgh Fringe - best jokes

[Itsallaguess]

Edinburgh Fringe - best jokes over the years -

2019 – Olaf Falafel - ‘I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” – I think I might have Florets.’

2018 – Adam Rowe - ‘Working at the job centre has to be a tense job: knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.’

2017 – Ken Cheng - ‘I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.’

2016 – Masai Graham - ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’

2015 – Tommy Tiernan - ‘Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other: “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”’

2014 – Tim Vine - ‘I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.’

2013 – Rob Auton - ‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.’

2012 – Stewart Francis - ‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’

2011 – Nick Helm - ‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’

2010 – Tim Vine - ‘I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

2009 – Dan Antopolski - ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’

Cheers!

Itsallaguess

[Gerry557]

2020 - 2022? Or were they put in isolation due to covid

[Dod101]

2020 - 2022? Or were they put in isolation due to covid

There wasn't a proper Fringe (if any) for 2020 or 2021. This is just the second week of the 2022 Fringe so there is time yet for the best joke for this year.

Dod

[Mike4]

2020 - 2022? Or were they put in isolation due to covid

There wasn't a proper Fringe (if any) for 2020 or 2021. This is just the second week of the 2022 Fringe so there is time yet for the best joke for this year.

Dod

And your OB joke?

Or don't we do them in here no more!


OB joke:
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished locals and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my tackle unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit ME on the head so hard with the bottle....'

[Itsallaguess]

This is just the second week of the 2022 Fringe so there is time yet for the best joke for this year.

There's been a few good ones cropped up already, but I don't think they've crowned the winner for this year yet.

Some snippets from the 2022 Fringe up to now -

Garrett Millerick - I used to think I hated Facebook. I realised I don’t, I hate people. When it comes to Marmite, nobody hates the jar.

Olaf Falafel - I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back.

Rob Auton - Once on the London Underground I saw Fiona Bruce reading a newspaper and I thought: “That must sound great in her head.”

Ignacio Lopez - Dogging is the most British thing ever; only the UK could take a look at an orgy and think: “How can we make this more like a car boot sale?”

Cheers!

Itsallaguess

[pje16]

not bad...
methinks Garrett Millerick has made the wrong different career choice

[Itsallaguess]

The best-joke short-list has now been released from this year's Edinburgh Fringe, with this year's winning joke in the following number one slot -

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

BBC article here - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-62626292

I think number 4 should have won it...

Cheers!

Itsallaguess

[Dod101]

Thanks IAAG. Had not seen that. I like No 7. It won't win but it is subtle and clever.

Dod

[Arborbridge]

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

I'd go with 3, but 4. is good too and has a topical advantage.


Arb.

[UncleEbenezer]

What a dreary field. The best are just marginally amusing.

10 is a close cousin of one of my favourites: I would procrastinate, but I never get around to it. Talking of which, I really should be elsewhere.