DST redux

[laladonny]

As one of his last edicts before leaving office (assuming he does), President Donald J. Trump announced a proposal today to unify all the world's time zones into a single Universal Time Zone (UTZ), formerly known as the Eastern Time Zone.

"It's unfair to the United States that other countries have the advantage of being in tomorrow while the U.S. is stuck in today," said Trump. "If it's 9 PM in Washington D.C., it's already tomorrow in London or Paris. That patently unfair."

Trump continued, "Right now, Americans are losing jobs to other countries whose workforce can give overnight service during their normal daylight hours. We'll level the playing field and keep more jobs in the U.S. with the UTZ."

If all countries agree, it would make jet lag a thing of the past, and international callers wouldn't have to worry about waking someone up.

Experts have agreed the the current system is confusing. Some areas use Daylight Saving Time. Others are shifted by half an hour. It causes unnecessary confusion and is estimated to decrease worldwide GDP by a half of a percent every year.

Under the Trump UTZ plan, countries could either keep their current schedules and just adjust their clocks, or they could change their whole society to match the new time. But Trump warned against the former option, "It would be very risky for countries to eat lunch at a different time than the United States. You are either with us or against us on this."

Britain immediately supported the U.S. plan. "If it means sleeping in broad daylight then we'll stick with our allies," said Boris Johnson. "Of course there's never broad daylight in the UK, so it's not much of an issue."

Opponents of the plan, which include many prominent biologists, said that it will throw off the normal circadian rhythms that humans have, and that "species with almost human intelligence like dolphins and lawyers will be unduly traumatized by the clock shift."

France, an opponent of the plan, claimed it is too Anglocentric and should be based on French time. President Emmanuel Macron did concede that "it wouldn't affect us too much because all our workers stop working at noon anyway."

Whether or not the rest of the world implements the UTZ, Trump plans to have UTZ in place by 2021 in the United States. "I get confused when I go from D.C. to points in the west. I can't remember what time it is. Is it ten? Is it eleven? Under my plan everyone can watch The West Wing at the same time, and those lazy Californians can get up at a decent hour like the rest of us."