Steven Wright

[laladonny]

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?” She said, “You're wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.”

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2” taller.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

[stewamax]

Perhaps hearing the US's Steven Wright deliver them would make these lines funny to a UK audience, but I failed to find any of them even slightly amusing.
My fault undoubtedly.

[servodude]

Perhaps hearing the US's Steven Wright deliver them would make these lines funny to a UK audience, but I failed to find any of them even slightly amusing.
My fault undoubtedly.

You know when you gloss over something when you read it...

I'd read the OP as quotes from "Steve Wright" (the DJ on the radio-iiooo)
- and i though that he must have gone on a bit of a tangent (at least since I listened to him 15 years back)

-sd

[bungeejumper]

I'd read the OP as quotes from "Steve Wright" (the DJ on the radio-iiooo)
- and i though that he must have gone on a bit of a tangent (at least since I listened to him 15 years back)

Me too. Although, to be fair, the UK version also had a "wacky" (aka weird/dodgy) line in what he laughingly called "jokes".

But even the jokes were better than the afternoon "sentiment spot" features for the housewives, where he'd put on a bit of smoochy lift music and a sexy voice, and intone, for the future education of Alan Partridge wannabes everywhere:

"Here's a message for Annie, a little girl who's missing her daddy. Daddy wants to say sorry for what he did to your hamster, sweetheart, and he still loves your mummy, even though he drove his car at her last week and she won't let him back in the house now. If mummy's listening, tell her it's very cold in this cardboard box under the railway arches, and he hopes we can all be reunited very soon, just like we used to be. Love and kissums. Aaaaaah, now, isn't that romantic, mummy?"

I exaggerate, but only slightly. The trouble was, he was doing it for real.

BJ

[servodude]

I'd read the OP as quotes from "Steve Wright" (the DJ on the radio-iiooo)
- and i though that he must have gone on a bit of a tangent (at least since I listened to him 15 years back)

Me too. Although, to be fair, the UK version also had a "wacky" (aka weird/dodgy) line in what he laughingly called "jokes".

But even the jokes were better than the afternoon "sentiment spot" features for the housewives, where he'd put on a bit of smoochy lift music and a sexy voice, and intone, for the future education of Alan Partridge wannabes everywhere:

"Here's a message for Annie, a little girl who's missing her daddy. Daddy wants to say sorry for what he did to your hamster, sweetheart, and he still loves your mummy, even though he drove his car at her last week and she won't let him back in the house now. If mummy's listening, tell her it's very cold in this cardboard box under the railway arches, and he hopes we can all be reunited very soon, just like we used to be. Love and kissums. Aaaaaah, now, isn't that romantic, mummy?"

I exaggerate, but only slightly. The trouble was, he was doing it for real.

BJ

It was a spoof .....
....wasn't it? Okay?!
Please tell me that it really was all a joke!

Otherwise it's a bit... "Please can you Fix it For Me!"

And that's not a nice thought... (Despite how much GB News might want to hark back to those days; or is it "woke" to think you shouldn't fiddle with kids? Matron!!! )
-sd

[csearle]

Otherwise it's a bit... "Please can you Fix it For Me!"

And that's not a nice thought... (Despite how much GB News might want to hark back to those days; or is it "woke" to think you shouldn't fiddle with kids? Matron!!! )

Are you suggesting GB News condone the actions of Jimmy Saville?

Chris

[servodude]

Otherwise it's a bit... "Please can you Fix it For Me!"

And that's not a nice thought... (Despite how much GB News might want to hark back to those days; or is it "woke" to think you shouldn't fiddle with kids? Matron!!! )

Are you suggesting GB News condone the actions of Jimmy Saville?

Chris

Nah.
It's more that, what I've seen on it (and to be fair that's down to the youtube algorithm) seems to be rear view mirror soft focus longing for a return to the 70's and 80s
- an era that was pretty shite in most regards and during which that Saville fiend thrived

The other stuff I've saw involved Neil Oliver doing inappropriate contortions with vowels (and strange pauses)

- sd

[laladonny]

Well, I guess I won't be posting any more Steven Wright witticisms.
Just a thought--is it possible there's an English Steven Wright and some of you mistook him for our American S.W.?
O.J.:
We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble game so I just sold it as the Welsh edition.

[bungeejumper]

Just a thought--is it possible there's an English Steven Wright and some of you mistook him for our American S.W.?

Ed Zackerly. It's been forty years since our SW was at his worst, and unfortunately he's still doing it at the age of 67. Wikipedia says he's "credited for introducing the zoo format on British radio, with its zany, multi-personality approach."

Now, we can't know who wrote that Wiki entry, but anybody who uses the word zany these days should be locked up in a darkened room with an endless loop of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on the screen, and no off button.

Wanna swap your SW for ours? .

BJ

[stewamax]

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble game so I just sold it as the Welsh edition.

??
Welsh has seven vowels...

[csearle]

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble game so I just sold it as the Welsh edition.

??
Welsh has seven vowels...

I think he might have meant the Polish edition. C.

[monabri]

I thought he had a slot on Radio Picadilly (Manchester).....but maybe not?


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Wright_(DJ)

[laladonny]

It's been forty years since our SW was at his worst, and unfortunately he's still doing it at the age of 67.
Well then, I guess it's safe to post a few more of the American SW.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep well?”
I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me but he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, “Gimme all your money.” I said, “Wait a minute.” I said, “George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you.” The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

[monabri]

Nope!

[servodude]

Nope!

At least there's only one Paul Gambaccini

[jfgw]

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Do they have any better jokes there?


Julian F. G. W.

[monabri]

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Do they have any better jokes there?


Julian F. G. W.

That's funnier than the joke.

[DrFfybes]

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble game so I just sold it as the Welsh edition.

??
Welsh has seven vowels...

How many of them contain 'L'

[Scillyfool]

“Knock it on the ‘ed, mate!”