Still chugging

[bungeejumper]

Good god, times must be hard for the charity direct-debit brigade these days. Pouring rain, deepish rural location, covid conditions etc, and the bugger still knocks on the door and tries to engage me in a conversation about siphoning off from my monthly bank account for his deserving cause.

I tell him we're shielding (which is half true) and generally not talking to strangers on the doorstep, and I tell him we'll look up his charity appeal on the web (probably not), but he still carries on with his spiel. Which would presumably entail him handing me a form to sign, after maybe 15 minutes of prattle during which I could have picked up any virus that he came pre-loaded with. He may have had a full set of those, of course, since he probably talks to 200 people in a day.

In the end I pretty well had to slam the door on him. But upon reflection, my approach was wrong. Next time I'll try yelling "unclean, unclean" and waving a scabby nosegay of herbs at him. D'you think bubonic plague would still work?

BJ

[TUK020]

just start coughing and wave him away

[kiloran]

And I bet the cold-caller started out with "Sorry to disturb you but....."

To which I always respond "If you were truly sorry, you wouldn't have disturbed me". Guaranteed to create a confused look on the caller's face. And probably thoughts of "I've got a right nutter here"

--kiloran

[UncleEbenezer]

Unclean was the leper's call, wasn't it?

If they're appearing at your door, think halloween:

This evening I cooked up a large volume of a somewhat Borscht-like soup, involving lots of beetroot. A slightly messy job cooking it.

Not so delicious, but much more fun, is the effect on halloween children of a manic grin, and a quiet but hammed up over-eager come in, dears, when delivered with hands heavily stained by dark, sticky beetroot juice.

Hehehe.

[UncleEbenezer]

just start coughing and wave him away

It wasn't the coff that carried him off.
It was the coughin' they carried him off in.

[kempiejon]

And I bet the cold-caller started out with "Sorry to disturb you but....."

To which I always respond "If you were truly sorry, you wouldn't have disturbed me". Guaranteed to create a confused look on the caller's face. And probably thoughts of "I've got a right nutter here"

--kiloran

My father turned me onto the idea of being a nutter towards the door steppers, he preferred the route of feigning being religious, "if the LORD had intended me to have cavity wall insulation HE would have decreed it in the gospels" or some such retort.
He also had one of those no hawkers, uninvited callers or salesmen stickers, when a door to door sales type inevitably knocked the old man would just point to the sign, ask if they had an appointment and when they said no shut the door.

[jfgw]

This might be more appropriate,

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_hazard

Julian F. G. W.

[sg31]

When I lived on the south coast our area was a designated no cold calling area. We all got stickers for our front doors and there were signs on lamposts and the like. It never stopped them but I found picking up the phone and pointing to the sign while giving them a questioning look worked wonders.

I only had to phone the 'police' once. My sister answered and caught on. I switched the phone to loudspeaker and she said she would send a car round immediately. He took off like a scalded cat.

Strangely caller touting for religious purposes were not included in the restriction. In my experience they can be the most persistent.

[UncleEbenezer]

Strangely caller touting for religious purposes were not included in the restriction. In my experience they can be the most persistent.

Strange anecdote of one of those. I lived in a flat: the top floor (of three) in a conversion. Had an entryphone, but normally would look out of the window to answer the door, then let them in if genuine - save wasting time on, for example, kids who would ring and scarper.

One Sunday morning I was awaiting a friend. We - and especially her dog - were due a longish walk across Dartmoor to a pub for lunch. So when the doorbell rang I didn't bother to check, just replied come on up. Opened the door to the stairwell and saw ... a Jehovah's Witness! Fortunately she was too startled to take advantage, and went quietly when I blurted out some kind of explanation of the situation. So not persistent at all when off-script!

[bungeejumper]

So when the doorbell rang I didn't bother to check, just replied come on up. Opened the door to the stairwell and saw ... a Jehovah's Witness! Fortunately she was too startled to take advantage, and went quietly when I blurted out some kind of explanation of the situation.

Advantage of what? My mind is quietly boggling here. So let me guess, you were all dressed down to go hiking in the nude?

BJ

[scrumpyjack]

I remember many decades ago, a knock on the door. The guy said 'I wanted to talk with you about insurance'. I said, 'Great, I'm an agent for several companies, what sort of insurance can I sell you?'

He scarpered pretty quickly.

You could do the same for a charity salesman?

[bungeejumper]

And then there was the time when my wife and I were working in the garden, and an Everest double glazing salesman came round the back of the house to ambush me. I swiftly reminded him of the fact that he should have already noticed - that many/most of our windows were stone mullioned with the panes of glass set directly into the stonework, so no, we probably wouldn't be buying any of his overpriced tacky plastic.

Without even pausing for breath, he changed tack. Everest had just gone into a new line of fitted kitchens, he said, and would the little lady of the house like to have a chat with him?

I called the little lady of the house. She was chopping up a fallen tree at the end of the garden, and she appeared wielding an axe. He didn't stay around for very long.

BJ

[jfgw]

Advantage of what? My mind is quietly boggling here. So let me guess, you were all dressed down to go hiking in the nude?

Actually, that might be an idea for getting rid of unwanted callers quickly. Maybe I should try it.


Julian F. G. W.

[Mike4]

Advantage of what? My mind is quietly boggling here. So let me guess, you were all dressed down to go hiking in the nude?

Actually, that might be an idea for getting rid of unwanted callers quickly. Maybe I should try it.


Julian F. G. W.

Or even just answering the door idly swinging a large axe around.....

[Bminusrob]

Some years ago, I played volleyball with a Hagrid look-alike. SIx foot five, big bushy beard and long hair and built like a brick outhouse. He had a knock at the door from a couple of Jehovahs Witnesses (why do they always travel in pairs?). He answered the door, standing on the doorstep, which added a good foot to his not insignificant height advantage, and in reply to their first question, said "Well, we are all hedonists here. Do come in". Aparrently they moved away quite quickly.

[Mike4]

Some years ago, I played volleyball with a Hagrid look-alike. SIx foot five, big bushy beard and long hair and built like a brick outhouse. He had a knock at the door from a couple of Jehovahs Witnesses (why do they always travel in pairs?). He answered the door, standing on the doorstep, which added a good foot to his not insignificant height advantage, and in reply to their first question, said "Well, we are all hedonists here. Do come in". Aparrently they moved away quite quickly.

No doubt the Jehova's witnesses get together for debriefing sessions after their long day's witnessing to swap tales of the scary nutters they encounter out there in the Big Wide World.

And justify their decisions to each other to RUN AWAY in defiance of God's will that they should have courage and bear witness !!!

[bungeejumper]

No doubt the Jehova's witnesses get together for debriefing sessions after their long day's witnessing to swap tales of the scary nutters they encounter out there in the Big Wide World.

And justify their decisions to each other to RUN AWAY in defiance of God's will that they should have courage and bear witness !!!

Oddly enough - or perhaps not? - I've yet to meet a Witness who possessed a sense of humour at all, let alone a sense of irony. Certainly not my aunt, who was a tireless saviour of souls on the doorstep.

She spent twenty years telling her poor husband that he was going to hell because he didn't share her faith, and finally he decided that he might as well enjoy the ride. He left her and moved in with a barmaid half her age.

BJ

[stewamax]

Well.... I am normally very polite to Jehovah's Witnesses and give them time to explain. They are not waged or on commission and it takes some courage to do the door-stepping they do
Mormons get about 10 seconds (batty religion) and Everest (now sold into pre-pack administration) a curt 'no thank you'.

Like many others I also have some stock put-downs for telephone chuggers and scammers:

"Hello - my name is Joe and I am calling from BT OpenReach" - OpenReach do not call domestic customers

"Hello - my name is Cedric* from Microsoft Technical Department" - Microsoft does not call domestic customers except by prior arrangement

"Hello - my name is John and I am calling from BT. You have problems with your line and you may have a virus on your PC" - I am not a BT customer.
But everyone uses BT lines. Not so - I use a local-area WiFi service.

* - yip - I really had one of these

[bungeejumper]

You've reminded me of my last encounter with the Mormons, about 40 years ago. Two hugely tall Americans in immaculate dark grey suits penned me into an alcove in the city centre as I stepped out of my bank branch, and for a moment I wondered whether I'd somehow become a mafia target?

"Sorrr, we'd like to talk to you about the meaning of gaad for you and your femmily", they said. Phew, things were going well, then. It suggested that they hadn't already arranged my appointment with my maker.

"What family would that be, then," I replied? (I was freshly divorced at the time, no kids, no ties.)

They both took two steps backward, apparently horrified. "Sorr, you don't have a femmily? Sorry to trouble you, sorr, we're only looking for people with femmilies." And with that they were gone. As a single item, I didn't figure in their calculations as a soul worth saving. They were only interested in the multi-pack options where you bought one and got six. How very Wal-Mart.

BJ

[stevensfo]

We had two Jehovah's witnesses -husband and wife - call on us when we lived in France. Turned out they were actually Scottish and they were obviously pleased to chat in English. They ended up coming round for coffee and cake every weekend and at first they clearly felt obliged to do their little talk about God etc. But they hadn't bargained for my wife being a strict Polish Catholic, very proud of it (the pope was Polish in those days) and determined to show them the errors of their ways. Whenever they started their spiel, out would come her enormous Bible and they'd start squirming. I don't about now, but in those days, they had a rule forbidding blood transfusions and it was interesting to see them tie themselves into knots trying to justify it. After a while, a sort of unspoken truce was declared and they stopped the religious nonsense and settled for the cake.

Steve